


Lamb of Great Disaster

by HalfPrince



Category: Overlord - Maruyama Kugane & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Treated Seriously, Cute, Cute Ulbert, Except for Albedo she thirsty, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Platonic Relationships, Reincarnation, Sheep & Goats
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:08:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24702070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HalfPrince/pseuds/HalfPrince
Summary: Name's Ulbert! Ulbert Alain Odle! Remember and live in fear!Plenty of people told me I suffer from Chuunibyou all my life. "You'll never amount to anything, you're just like the rest of us."Suck it, world!I am the ultimate demon lord, and now I'm the ultimate world traveler! I will become a demon GOD OF CHAOS. Nothing can stop me!Except maybe childproof locks. Those are hard to undo with hooves.----------Original Character is free to use! You don't have to ask permission to use Shepard~
Relationships: Ainz Ooal Gown | Momonga/Albedo, Sebas Tian/Tuareninya Veyron, Ulbert Alain Odle/Everyone
Comments: 107
Kudos: 168





	1. Chapter 1 - I am Shepard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Talking” is in quotations  
> Thinking is italics (dunno how to put it in here)  
> [Spell/Skill] is in brackets  
> Name of Person: Message from person is in bold (again, how do)  
> Quotes from something/someone are in the center  
> \----------  
> I redid some of the earlier chapters to make them more cohesive and put in the parts I missed.  
> Comments appreciated! :D  
> \----------

\----------

Chapter 1: I am Shepard?

\----------

There were so many mistakes made here. Trusting a corporate drone, that’s one. Going unarmed, that’s another. But the last and most important is leaving without saying goodbye to my friends. I knew this was risky, trying to figure out what Bellriver had stumbled upon, but I didn’t think they’d catch on this quickly. I’d even set up my Dive gear so I could get on before YGGDRASIL’s shutdown. I’d wanted to see them before the end... the friends I made in there, the creations we’d all slaved over, the base we fought tooth and nail to defend. Laughing with them one last time, arguing and bantering. I hope a few people showed at least. I should have gotten on more.

_Sorry Monga... guess this demon’s finally going home to hell. Take care of Demiurge for me._

\----------

I wake up gently to something caressing my head. It’s rhythmic and soothing. Considering I was just bleeding out on concrete, things are going far better than I expected. The ground isn’t any more forgiving though, so I know I’m not in a hospital. The last thing I remember is an office worker with a gun.

_If you kidnapped me without checking to see if I had a family to pay ransom, I will kick your ass._

Opening my eyes, I’m momentarily overwhelmed. There’s a sea of color in front of me, and it’s not the actual radioactive sea. 

_Are those... tiny plants? GRASS?! Holy shit this is the first time I’ve seen grass before._

Excited, I try to stand but I’m too wobbly and end up flopping over. I wonder what they gave me, I feel kind of loopy and dizzy. I know I’m in danger but I can’t quite reconcile the petting hand with kidnappers. Wait, I must be in some mega-rich person’s yard, they’re the only ones with grass! What perverted fantasies require petting drugged people on the grass?! I don’t want to find out! Whoever was next to me is getting up with far more grace than I am, but I can escape if I make my limbs cooperat--

“Baaaaah!”

_What in the everloving fuck was that?!_

I scrabble away, looking up to find... something... white. And fluffy. It’s looking at me. It takes a few seconds to comprehend what I’m staring at. Two hysterical thoughts pop into my brain: that thing was licking me, and that elementary school teachers are full of shit and sheep are much bigger than they told me. It’s massive, towering over me, at least twice my height.

“Ah, finally passed ‘er? That lamb took ages, was beginnin’ to wonder if I needed to help ya.” An accented voice cut through the haze, a huge shadow passing over myself and the sheep. 

_OH MY GOD IT’S A GIANT RUUUUUUUUN!_

I’m far too clumsy, whatever they gave me hasn’t worn off, but I try anyway. The giant is catching up to me, he doesn’t even look like he’s trying that hard. I feel like someone dropped me in tar and covered me with cement. Nothing is working the way I need it to, especially not my legs. All I can think is this is NOT some rich dude’s lawn, unless rich people suddenly decided to make mutant giants. Maybe I am in hell! Hell has giants and sheep!

“Ey now, this one’s got some energy! Good for you kiddo! Think yer momma’s gettin’ a little worried though, why dontcha head back to ‘er?” I get picked up like I’m nothing. Turned towards the sky now I can’t see the ground getting further away, all I see is my own... hooves? 

I stop struggling, I’m officially past the point of terror and headed straight into shock. “Aren’t ya a feisty one, haha! You’re gonna be a little rascal I know it, little... oh! Little boy not a little girl, first time I gotta lad outta my flock. That why you’re so spunky, kiddo?”

I desperately try to plead with the man but all that comes out are weak bleats. Darkness encroaches the edge of my vision.

_This can’t be real._

I’m already out before he puts me back down.

\----------

If someone is feeling down they should just be thankful they don’t have to be bottle fed as a nearly middle-aged man. Twenty-seven years old and some old dude has to feed me like I’m a baby. Not the brightest highlight of my life right here.

I have so far refused to suckle on anything living, despite my “mother’s” insistence. Honestly, I’d been half hoping the farmer would forget and let me die so I could be reincarnated anywhere else. Sometimes I think I’d take an insect even, just get me out of here, man!

On one hand, free semi-solid food. I used to live on pills and water like most poor people so having something at all in my stomach is a new and welcome addition. On the other, my pride is in shambles. I am the evil villain of every story, the great deity of chaos and destruction! But even great deities have to eat to survive. I’d tried to eat grass but the farmer freaked out, something about babies needing fat milk? Milk fat? Well he wasn’t all wrong, I did get a massive stomach ache afterwards. Puking sucks as a sheep, by the way.

I get what the guy’s going through, really I do, but there is no way any amount of shoving my face into a sheep’s belly is going to make me do that. He can call me stupid all he likes. I would rather starve. Eventually he got the message, and after a hearty rant about boys being more stubborn, he milked the sheep into a bottle for me. I’d assume it’s normally for medicine from how he complained but I truly could not care less. 

Despite all the muttering he still did it though... He’s nice. He puts me down so carefully and praises me when I eat lots. I think I might become attached. I’ve met some of the cruelest people life can throw at me but this one’s alright. A nice light for humanity, a type of person I didn’t think existed outside of the online community. I still don’t know his name but he’s been kinder to me than anyone else in my whole life.

_I’ll make it worth your while, bud. I’m about to shake this world up. You have quite possibly the only sentient livestock in the universe._

What I’ve learned so far is this: this place is not IRL. I always knew I was special. Everyone thought I was Chuunibyou and now I’m in a different world, in a different body, and in a different life. Not what I expected but I’ll take it. I wonder what those bullies would say now. I suppose it doesn’t matter since they’re probably suffocating in smog and dying in horrible workplace conditions, while I breathe fresh air for the first time in my life. I would have liked to rub it in their dumb faces though. I’m living a better life as a sheep than I ever did as a human, even with all the embarrassing stuff.

And living better means I should pull my weight! I have decided this life will not be wasted. I will be the best secret villain this world has ever seen! And it all starts with... MAGIC. I can cast freaking magic! I didn’t even mean to. I saw some hideous thing coming out of the bushes and my first thought was: “Fuck I wish I still had [Mind Control]”. Next thing I know, the goblin is kneeling before me. Couldn’t believe it at the time, but after that I tried a few more things out from YGGDRASIL and they totally work. I even killed the goblin with [Hell Flame], it was amazing. 

I wonder if I should feel something for the goblin? Hm, I don’t, not at all. If I was still human I think I would have, perhaps being a sheep deadens me to guilt? Or am I still a demon since I can use all my old spells?

_HOLY SHIT AM I LEVEL 100? This needs to be investigated. Like, right now._

I wait until Farmer turns around to exit the barn. Now that I’ve explored a little I know the layout of this place. The barn has two exits, one to the field and one to the house. The field door is big but Farmer doesn’t let me outside that way ever since I tried to eat grass. The smaller door is connected to the house through an outdoor walkway. The walkway is sheltered and closed in, but the lattice fence has holes big enough for lambs to get through. This is how I escape to test things now. Only three days in and I’m already proving to be an evil genius. Someone give me an S rank for these stealth missions.

\----------

First things first, I need to know if I can bring up a menu. In the forest, no one can see my overwhelming disappointment when lifting my hoof does nothing.

_Well what did I expect? Ok maybe I can do other things?_

I try to contact a GM. There’s no answer, not that I was expecting one. I try to mass call the guild, and holy shit does that connect and there’s suddenly a hundred voices talking all at once. Close that sucker, that’s a no-go. How many people did Momonga add when I left? Guy’s been busy.

_Oh wait, MONGA. That’s it! But... how do I tell him I’m a sheep? Do I just... bleat? Will he get that? THE CHAOS POTENTIAL. It’ll be hilarious either way, fuck it I’mma--_

Before I can [Message] him, Momonga is calling me. Well I suppose it was rather odd that I called the whole guild, and now I feel stupid. Hopefully he doesn’t ream me out for it. Oh, I can avoid punishment for a while by doing the sheep thing! I’ll probably get in more trouble later but that’s for Future Me to deal with. I accept the call, and Momonga’s nickname and text box pops into my field of vision just like on Ygg, but this time I can hear him.

**Monga: ULBERT?! Ulbert are you there?!**

**Ulbert: Baaah.**

**Monga: ...**

Holy shit, I’m an asshole. I’m practically dying from the silence that followed that, I want to laugh so bad. I can just imagine the confusion Momonga is plagued with right now. It even used ellipses in the text box, it KNOWS there’s silence on the other end!

_Wait... it knows there’s silence. How...?_

“There ya are! Goodness ya scared the heck outta me kiddo! We’re goin’ back to yer momma right this instant, mister! There’s monsters in this here forest!” Farmer comes out of nowhere. I wasn’t paying attention and now I’m caught. Serves me right for trying to pull a prank, now I won’t get to talk to Momonga at all. I bleat sadly, resigned to my fate as he lifts me into his arms.

**Monga: ... Who is that? There are monsters? Or is he the monster? Are you in danger, Ulbert?! Is that why you can’t speak?! Don’t worry! We will get you back home! I understand your hint!**

_He can hear Farmer?!_

Before I can question what the hell he means by that the call ends. I might have done something bad. But the guy’s in another world right? He can’t really help, and Farmer isn’t in danger, nor is he dangerous. I’ll [Message] Momonga back later and explain it’s just a joke. For now the concern my guild leader has is just as touching as Farmer’s and I kinda want to bask in it a bit. I’m not looking forward to telling him I’m technically dead. What could he even do with that information, he’s in IRL and I’m in some new place that magically has Ygg mechanics. I mean, just because I can do stuff from YGGDRASIL doesn’t mean we’re actually IN the game... right? Well... actually... if I can [Message] Momonga...

There’s a growl behind me. Farmer whips around quickly, making me woozy.

“WHO’S THAT?” He yells out. I’ve never heard Farmer scared before. I don’t like it, whatever made him afraid is about to eat hoof. 

Like before, a goblin springs out from behind a tree, raising a club. But I can hear something else. Something’s breaking trees in the distance, something bigger than this dumb goblin. I have to get Farmer back inside, back to safety. I don’t think he’s also level 100.

[Mind Control] works like a charm, stunning the stupid thing. I jump out of Farmer’s arms, avoiding his flailing hands trying to catch me again. Now’s as good a time as any to test how strong I am. 

My headbutt sends the goblin flying. Well, part of the goblin anyway. The other half crumples to the ground.

That’s probably the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve never been much of a gore lover--that was more Tabula’s thing--but that was epic. I don’t have time to appreciate it further, though. I know there’s more. 

I dash into the tree line after the top half of the goblin. Whatever is barrelling through the trees will be attracted to the blood and sounds of fighting. I can hear Farmer find his voice. He screams after me but I hope he gives up and returns home.

_Home? I really am getting attached. Bad brain, you know how that ends._

While I’m thinking, a trunk snaps a few feet away. A lumbering form comes into view. It’s...

_Oh it’s just an orc. Maaaaaan... I thought you were something better._

I don’t even want to waste the mana for another [Mind Control] when there’s no one to protect. [Gravity Spear] takes less and looks cooler. Farmer isn’t in danger now so there’s no reason to be wasteful. 

As the orc is sucked into itself I hear fallen twigs breaking. I’m really tired of turning around right now but I ready myself for the next opponent.

It’s Farmer. False alarm. He’s trembling. But when I think about it, who wouldn’t be after all that? I nuzzle his pants leg and he leans down to hold me carefully. He always holds me like a baby, I wonder why. It lets me see he’s crying though. Poor guy, he must have been terrified.

“Ya... Ya are a Protector of the Forest aincha? Like the Wise King?”

_Who the hell is the Wise King? THAT sounds like someone I wanna fight!_

“I... Thank ya, kiddo. I been thinkin’ on what ta call ya, ya know... I think yer name’s gonna be Shepard. Cause ya been watchin’ over me an’ mine. Ya protect yer flock now, ya hear? Just like a real shepherd.” Farmer wipes his eyes and starts walking back. 

I will die of adorableness before we get home. I shouldn’t be thinking of a guy twice my age like this but... he’s precious. So different from anyone I’ve met IRL.

_Sure dude, I’ll protect this whole damn country as long as you’re in it._


	2. Chapter 2 - I am a hero?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you find unintended typos please let me know!  
> Here's a cute picture of a lamb! https://rb.gy/bbnm1d

\----------

Chapter 2: I am a hero?

\----------

In the days following my naming, we developed a routine. Farmer wakes me up and I have breakfast. I still can’t have solid food, sadly, but at least after breakfast I get belly rubs. Then I settle down with my surrogate mom. She’s growing on me, it’s taking longer than with Farmer because she’s... well, a sheep. It was weird at first how she would nudge me and lick me but it’s not so bad. She’s warm and smells like home and Farmer. Then after sheep cuddles we all go to the field and I start my patrols.

More monsters have been attacking lately, ever since I arrived in this world. I can’t help but wonder if I’m the cause. My worry is because my passive, [Evil Authority], hasn’t gone off yet despite meeting several low-level mobs. I know my luck is trash but it’s not THAT bad. Now that things have become real, I have this sinking feeling it’s not working the way it would ingame. The flavor text of [Evil Authority] is way different than what it actually does... or, did I guess. In Ygg, it gave a one-in-five chance to pacify and control a lesser-leveled being with negative karma outside of my party, even if they weren’t hostile or in combat. It led to some hilarious hijinx in the guild when people weren’t expecting it and got their characters controlled. I made Ankoro do the chicken dance once.

The description of [Evil Authority] on the other hand... is a bit more...

“Only the most dark generals can achieve [Evil Authority]. Those of evil intent flock to them to join their armies, giving their very minds and bodies in exchange for power.” -shitty devs

... Worrying.

Farmer is starting to get antsy with all these monsters too. He wrote a letter and walked to some nearby town to deliver it yesterday. I really hope it’s not a “this property is for sale, it comes with a magic lamb” kind of letter. He seemed in better spirits afterwards though, so it’s probably fine.

On my fourth round of the field I spot something black in the distance. I think it’s a horse? It’s on the main road anyway. It’s likely related to that letter Farmer sent off. I’m so curious, it doesn’t take more than a few seconds of deliberation before I’m squeezing through the barn’s walkway to get inside the house. I know of a super secret hiding location behind Farmer’s shoes where I can hear outside. Being bright white is not very conductive to stealth but I manage in these trying times. 

It takes a lot longer than I thought for the visitors to arrive. How slow are their horses? I almost fell asleep over here. Oddly, none of those horses are making noise either. Did they decide to walk halfway or something? I wish I could look without giving myself away. I can hear Farmer’s deep breaths as he jogs to the front of the house.

“Ey, ya came! Ya adventurers from E-Rantel? Fer the job?”

_Job?_

“Yes, we are. You wrote about monsters appearing daily on your farm?” A deep voice answers him. It’s got a refined edge to it, almost familiar in its cadence. Definitely educated. A rich kid maybe?

Farmer hums. “Ye, there been lots of ‘em lately. One day, none. Next, they come ev’ry day when the sun gets highest. Was so sudden, gots ta be a nest out there tryna eat my sheep.”

“Oh? You have sheep?” The voice sounds interested. I can’t fathom why. Does he like animals or something? “Ah how rude of me. I haven’t introduced myself and yet I’m interrogating you already. I am Momon. This is Nabe, my companion.”

“Alrighty, well then my name’s Arthur, but most folks call me Arty.” Nice try, but you will always be Farmer to me. Although it might be good to remember in case I get lost. Not like I can just write “return me to Arthur” in the dirt or something but it may come in handy.

“Greetings, Arthur. I do have one important question though. You said monsters come every day, but how are you defending yourself? I hope I don’t sound rude, but you don’t have the image of a soldier.” Oh, that’s a hard question for Farmer. It’s not like he can answer he has a magic sheep--

“My new lamb’s been defendin’ me!” Or not. “Kiddo’s got guts to fight monsters like that, I’m real proud of ‘im!” That’s not the issue, Farmer. It’s really not. You just made them think you’re crazy, now they won’t believe there are any monsters at all.

I hear metal shifting. I cringe in the silence that follows. “That’s... certainly something.” I want to bury myself and run away at the same time. Second-hand embarrassment is killing me. “Can I... see this lamb?”

_No please. If anything is listening, please don’t send me out there._

“Ye sure, I’ll call ‘im! Shepard! Sheeeepaaaaaard!”

_I said DON’T do that! D O N ‘ T ._

Well if I have to go anyway... better make an entrance befitting a demon lord! I leap onto the table and jump through the open window. My landing is perfectly between them both. And... that’s not a horse. 

What I thought was a horse from a distance is actually a huge man in black plate armor. He totally dwarfs his friend, who looks like she’s considering skinning me. Farmer in his overalls looks pretty plain in comparison but he’s certainly happier than both combined. I run up to him and nuzzle his leg. He knows better than to pick me up on patrol now, I have become skilled in wiggling out of his arms. I am a master wiggler!

“This is Shepard. He’ll show ya where the monsters been comin’ from.” I stare at the armored man daring him to say something.

He doesn’t, lucky for him. I had my baby horns aimed at every man’s weakness. It may take a bigger jump but I have strength to spare. “Right. Well, we should get started then.”

I don’t wait for him to lead the way. I’m off, bounding through the field. Armor Guy’s got long legs, he’ll keep up. I reach the edge of the forest before he does though, I think he’s holding back. I guess anyone would against what they think is a baby animal. 

I keep going through the trees, hopping over logs and the rotting corpses of past attacks. When we get to the orc the smell gets infinitely worse. [Gravity Spear] sucked out a giant hole in his stomach along with his head so it’s pretty gruesome in this forest. So far, though, that first orc was the only one to come by.

“Lord--Er, Momon. Sir. The corpses we passed don’t seem to be killed by blunt force. Or rather, by normal amounts of blunt force. There are some that are heavily burned, too.” Finally the black haired lady speaks. I had been considering her as a really annoyed mute. Not like I can judge, mind, being an animal and all.

“I noticed as well. So, little lamb, I have a question for you.” As I turn I realize this might have been a trap. Red pinpricks of light glow in place of eyes, cutting through the shadows of his helmet. This guy isn’t human. “What do you know of Ainz Ooal Gown?”

Is he... expecting me to answer? I mean, the answer is “everything” but... not only am I an animal, I wouldn’t sell out my friends even if I wasn’t. This guy... is kind of an idiot.

“Baaaah.” 

_Translation: Fuck you._

“Hm. Is it really not sentient?” And he gives up quickly too. “I was sure this was the place, with the monsters and the farm... it was the only quest like it on the board, and it even has sheep... That’s not good. As adamantite adventurers, taking an easy quest like this is suspicious, especially if we continue to only take farm quests. Dammit. Ulbert could really be anywhere.”

_Wait._

_W A I T ._

_Is that Monga??? PFFFTTT. What’s with the armor? And the voice? Is he roleplaying? I can’t believe he’s in here with me, and roleplaying as TouchMe no less. Those two did always have a fanboy thing for each other. Ahhhh man. We’re both morons. Does that mean this is really YGGDRASIL though since he’s here? Only place I know of that had sheep was the beginning tutorial area where new characters spawn in. And even then, it looked different and had that one boss in there._

**Monga: Ulbert can you give a hint to where you are? Even if you don’t speak--**

A roar cuts him off. It reverberates through his end of the call and around me, immediately giving me a migraine. Guess the “hearing through call” thing works both ways. Doesn’t matter.

Whatever just did that is about to die. You have pissed off the wrong sheep. 

I can see a troll coming to the Mean Lady’s right. Trolls are annoying as new players because they regenerate. Trolls are annoying to high levels because they’re everywhere and drop trash loot. Trolls are annoying in this new world because they’re loud as fuck. Something that annoying should just drop dead, and in the most painful way I can think of, I oblige. [Summon Demon: Twisted Spawn] is a cute little spell that forms a baby demon in the esophagus, where it eats everything within the host and bursts out of their mouth. With a troll’s regeneration... let’s just say this will be a big baby.

The troll falls to the ground, twitching and spurting blood from the random holes the baby makes across its body. Movement makes me look at Momonga. He’s putting away his giant swords and staring. To be fair, I think I’d be vomiting if I was human, he’s doing remarkably well. Or maybe since I’m in YGGDRASIL fully I can see what was censored before? I’ve just accepted that’s where I am. It’s not like Momonga could be anywhere else, he was always fanatical about Ygg.

A call I didn’t realize was still active closes. 

Momonga faces me. “Ulbert... that’s really you, isn’t it?”

_What?! How does he know? Didn’t he write me off before?_

He crouches before me. It still doesn’t put us at eye level. I’m not even at knee level. “You... was it an accident that you called us before? Were you scared and you did it by instinct? Why are you like this, are you cursed? I have so many questions... but you can’t answer...”

I can’t follow his logic. One minute he’s convinced I’m not even sentient, the next he knows who I am? I’m so confused. How did he figure it out?

“Lor--Momon, sir... are you sure this is Lord Ulbert?” Mean Lady doesn’t realize it gives her away when she gives me a title too. Although I get the feeling she really doesn’t want to conceal anything at all. She seems to look down on everyone but Momonga.

“Yes. I’m sure. You will just have to trust me.” Typical Momonga move, right there. He’s usually right but he can’t explain how he got to that conclusion.

“Yes, Lord Ainz. I mean, Momon... Sir.” She’s stopped trying altogether. And wait, what’s up with her calling him “Ainz”? Momonga’s had the same username for 12 years, surely even newbie members would know his username. 

_You can roleplay all you like with this “Lord” business but don’t mess up my bud’s name, he’s too shy to correct you._

“For now, let’s complete the quest. You will stay back and watch over Ulbert. Make sure nothing reaches him. It probably won’t be necessary but just in case anything does get past me you are to eliminate it. Since you won’t be fighting, contact Titus and ask him for any information regarding the raising of livestock in Ashurbanipal, specifically sheep and lambs. And try to get Ulbert to like you. If we have enough information on our own we won’t be taking the old man. It will be easier to convince him to part with his prized lamb if Ulbert likes us.” At Mean Lady’s nod, Momonga strides off, leaving me shocked.

_Wait just a hot minute, is Monga gonna kidnap me? Is he gonna kidnap Farmer?! Hold up, this is more than a one-person decision Monga! It’s not a game anymore, I’m not roleplaying being a sheep!_

I’m lifted into the air. I look into the eyes of the one person who could defend Farmer for me right now. Too bad her name is Mean Lady and she would never do that. “No harm will come to you, Lord Ulbert. All of the insects plaguing you right now will be exterminated, and once we return to Nazarick we will remove the curse and bring back your true form.” I think that was supposed to be comforting. It was not. When she said “insects” it didn’t sound like she meant just the mobs I’ve been fighting. I’m scared, what a terrifying woman.

I can hear fighting and crashing in the distance. I knew he was going easy on me while running here earlier. He’s gone pretty far out in such a short time. Mean Lady has gone silent but she has a concentrated face. I guess she’s calling someone, whoever “Titus” is, probably. I feel bad for the guy on the other end, he has to search through the whole Grand Library for farming tips and report back to Mean Lady. 

None of this is helping me figure out what to do when Momonga gets back. I can’t let them hurt Farmer. There’s no way he’d let me be taken by some random dude he just met. He’s not an NPC, he’s a real living person that’s been kind to me. He’s RAISED me in this life! I have to think of something!

\----------

Unfortunately, time is up. In my panic, I only have one plan. The sounds have stopped and it’s only a matter of time before I’m kidnapped and Farmer and Surrogate Mom are abducted with me or killed. Farmer definitely won’t let me go without a fight. I... I must... I MUST WIGGLE.

Mean Lady was too engrossed in her conversation, and now she pays the price. I pop out of her arms and through her legs, running as fast as I can to the house. She’s yelling and chasing after me. I know Momonga’s not far behind, he’s fast. He won’t go easy this time. I lay on the speed. 

I can see Farmer in the field but there’s louder footsteps behind me, Momonga has joined the chase. [Spacial Quicksand] has a tiny area of effect but since they’re following I place it directly behind me. It only gives me a second, really, but that’s all I needed to reach home.

I stop in front of Farmer, facing my new and much stronger opponents. Unfamiliar body, person to protect... This will be a very difficult battle.

“Eh? What’s wrong, Shepard? There a big one out there or are ya racin’? That’s mean, ya know who will win, ya got four legs.” Farmer has no idea what’s going on. I wish more than anything right now I could tell him to run. I wish that smile of his didn’t have to go so soon.

Momonga is the first to reach us, not surprising considering how hot on my heels he was. I can tell he notices my battle stance. He seems put off. I don’t buy it. I’m not nearly intimidating enough to make a level 100 quail in his boots. “Racing? Oh! Yes of course. That’s what we were doing. Also, the hive is dealt with. It was an old hive repopulated, it seemed. Far too big a space for what little enemies I encountered.” Momonga turns to Mean Lady, who just caught up by the end of his sentence. “By the way, Nabe, did you ask our mutual friend that question?”

“Yes, Lo--Momon, sir. It appears there is nothing of note.”

“Ah. I see. Well, Arthur, I have a proposition for you. I wish to purchase your flock.”

_Nonononono._

“And your services tending it, as well.”

_... Huh?_

“I am willing to pay a sizable amount in gold for both.” And suddenly he’s a merchant? I knew about his bad reputation with finances in the guild but I never thought it would work in my favor. Momonga’s hoarding nature might be what saves Farmer’s life!

“Er, what? Ya want--OH. I see. Ya want Shepard specific, right? Me an’ the flock are only for his sake ye?” Farmer catches on quickly, even to the danger I think. “And how would we get there though? I’m willin’ to listen to yer deal but I ain’t keen on moving the flock all the way to E-Rantel. Specially since kiddo here still needs help feedin’ three times a day. He’s a youngin’ so he’s still on milk. His momma needs all the fat she can get to feed a fightin’ boy like Shepard.”

Momonga shakes his head. “You don’t need to worry about that. I have just been tasked by Ainz Ooal Gown to gather magical animals for their protection and ethical study. Your meals and lodgings will be taken care of for the rest of your life, and the rest of your flock’s lives. Money is not an issue. The only thing you might be worried about is being beside non-humans, but they won’t hurt you or any of your sheep if you don’t try to hurt them.”

“Eh? The one that saved Carne Village? He’s not human? Supposin’ you’re not either then? Ah well, doesn’t matter. My late wife was an elf, don’ care a wit about human or not so long as they’re nice enough. If ya can promise, on yer NAME mind ya, that we won’ be hurt by your friend then... then I’ll take 30 gold to uproot an’ come with ya.” By Ygg standards that’s dirt cheap, and Momonga agrees in a flash. 

_Farmer, you could have haggled for ten times that easily... Ah well, at least it didn’t end in a fight. I would have gotten annihilated. My build was always for roleplay and straight damage, I don’t have the endurance to fight a serious min-maxed build like Monga’s. I’m just a one-shotter._

When the Gate arrives to take us to Nazarick I’m standing beside Surrogate Mom and Farmer. All the flock has items tied on their backs, helping Farmer move out of his old house. I have the one book he owns on my own, and Momonga and Nabe are helping out too. Farmer gives one last mournful look at the barn.

“Ey, Momon right? Can I get one more favor off ya?”

“What do you need? I can certainly try.” Momonga faces Farmer while Mean Lady waits impatiently by the portal.

Farmer has to crane his neck since Momonga’s so close. “Can ya make sure the house is used? It’d make me depressed thinkin’ about it wastin’ away.”

“Oh. I believe that can be done. Recently there was an orphanage needing to expand, run by one Yuri Alpha. She would be delighted to teach children about farming here. It would give them real world experience.”

“Thank ya, that’s perfect, just what she woulda wanted. That’s all I needed, sonny.” And then he went through.


	3. Chapter 3 - I am a family member?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of you are coming up with great ideas! I had a few already planned that you guys keep hitting, great minds think alike I guess xD Finally Ulbert has some sense of what the hell's going on though, woot woot!  
> Lamb on the grass~ https://rb.gy/datjhk

\----------

Chapter 3: I am a family member?

\----------

Nazarick is a lot... busier... than I remember. When we arrived on the Sixth Floor, Momonga left to get the other members of Ainz Ooal Gown and Mean Lady disappeared somewhere. That left a few maid NPCs awkwardly staring at Farmer and some sheep. Although sometimes when I’m not looking they seem to whisper. That’s impossible... right? I must be hearing things. Farmer is looking around with a sense of wonder. I don’t think he’s ever used a gate before. I haven’t either, not in this real life world, but I have some practice from Ygg. I mean they’re supposed to be the same world, I think, but the difference between Dive gear and this immersion is difficult to explain. My brain hurts already.

Momonga enters again, clad in his robes this time. He’s got the guild weapon in his hand. I can’t believe he took it out of the Roundtable Room, he was the staunchest supporter of never letting it see the light of day. I look behind him and there’s no one. Well I wasn’t the most liked of the guild, but I thought there’d be SOMEONE willing to see me. That’s pretty depressing. “Welcome, guests! You are within the Great Tomb of Nazarick. I hope your trip was easy?”

_Dude you were right beside us, you know how our trip went. All we did was walk through a portal. You are the biggest dork to ever dork._

“Ye, was fine. Thank ya for havin’ us here. I was worryin’ about how many people woulda come after Shepard if we stayed. I knew ‘bout Momon and the kinda person he is, so I was glad ta hear ya were gatherin’ magics like Shepard an’ keepin’ ‘em safe. Think I made a good choice trustin’ him. And ya said this is a tomb? We’re inside?” Farmer helps me get the book off my back and starts untying the rest of the flock. He keeps his eyes on the skeleton though. I don’t blame him in the slightest.

“Yes, we are underground. This place was built by my friends and I, by magical means. If there are no further questions, I shall introduce myself. I am Ainz Ooal Gown, the master of this Tomb.”

_Huh? But that’s the guild’s... WAIT. When he said he’d “get Ainz Ooal Gown” before he changed clothes, surely he didn’t mean...! But why would he change his name after 12 years? What in the hell is going on here?!_

Farmer stands up and dusts his knees off. “Nice ta meet ya, Mr. Ainz Ooal Gown! I’m Arthur, most folks call me Arty. This here’s Shepard, and his momma Bylla. The rest of the flock ya can learn if ya want but I’m sure those are the two yer interested in, ye?”

Momonga nods. “I am most interested in them, yes. We can talk after I create a place for you. I do want your sheep to be as comfortable as possible. [Create Fortress].” I almost miss it, perturbed by my earlier realization. Magic is always awesome though, and soon enough my attention is glued to the tower being built brick by brick before my eyes. That’s so cool. The maids are starting to move Farmer’s stuff into the tower. How did they...? I mean no one SAID anything, no voice commands even exist to move things. What is going on here? A plan forms in my mind. It’s mischievous but if they are truly NPCs there’s no issue and if they’re not then... it’s not too bad. I just need to know if I’m actually in YGGDRASIL right now, or if this is some crazy new world altogether. 

R-rated actions are expressly forbidden in YGGDRASIL, and every spinoff and clone, because by law it’s not allowed to happen in DMMORPGs. So what I’m about to do... will either get me banned and probably bring me back to life, or will work and I will prove I am not in Ygg. 

I sidle up to a maid, already regretting what I’m about to do. Quickly I duck under her skirt, looking up. I pretend as though I just wanted to circle around her leg for fun but the damage is done. I saw EVERYTHING. This is not YGGDRASIL. I would have gotten a warning for even trying to go under her, and everything underneath her skirt would be a black fog to censor it. 

I feel a strange mix of sick and happy. Sick because I will probably never return to IRL. Happy because... I will probably never return to IRL. It’s no secret my life there was shit. I knew if I did nothing, I’d die the same way my parents did, in a factory accident working for people who didn’t care in the slightest whether I even existed. I would have left behind any kids I had, given them only debt and a feeling of loneliness. That’s why I felt it was my duty to look for what Bellriver found. I had nothing and no one, if I died the only people that would miss me were in the guild and as I searched and logged on less, those too would fade. I wanted to tell his family what happened, why he didn’t come home, and was willing to die for it. And die, I did. Only to be reincarnated in this beautiful world with one of my best friends. I’m not even going to ask if Momonga died or not. That’s none of my business. The only question I have is:

_WHY DID HE GET TO STAY IN HIS AVATAR AND I GOT A SHEEP?!_

\----------

The first week in Nazarick was uneventful. Apparently the NPCs--should I even call them that anymore since they’re sentient now?--decided we should have time to settle down. The little demon baby I made in the forest found his way to Nazarick and I set him to guard Farmer. Thank goodness he follows non-verbal orders. I have no idea what the hell to name him, I have used up all my demon names on the seventh floor. Maybe I'll just call him Twisted since his spell is [Twisted Spawn]?

_Yikes that's as bad as Touch's names. Freaking "Oh what do I name him? ... Sebastian? How do you spell that? OK SEBAS TIAN IS HIS NAME". I think I smacked him for that back then but he never changed it._

No one seems to want to disturb us. Except for Momonga. He didn’t get the memo and visited constantly. I thought he would have more to do, being guild leader and all, but I guess not. It’s almost like he’s hiding from someone. Isn’t there some correlation about playing with animals and relieving stress? That’s probably what he’s doing. He pets me and learns from watching Farmer how to give me belly rubs, guild weapon hovering and forgotten in the corner.

Farmer seemed torn between being wary of an undead with so much power and being amused that Momonga can’t take his hands off me. It was uncomfortable in the beginning because well, boney hands mashing into my ribcage, but then I found my all-time favorite spot and everything was worth it. His abdomen is really hollow now, so if I put my back hooves on his pelvis I can dangle my front legs over his world item for balance! It’s the best! He’s so tall I’m almost back to my normal height just from being halfway up him. Plus I can see out the front of his robes since he runs around half naked, everyone can reach me to give me pats and ear scratches, I don’t have to move when he sits and stands, and I can stomp on the sides of his pelvis to direct him where to go since he doesn’t take damage! I sort of feel like I’m in a baby buggy sometimes but I get over it quickly when I look up and see my friend’s extremely badass avatar. Transportation worthy of a true villain!

Because he’s around so much, Farmer lets him give me my first bit of solid food. Momonga is so damn happy to give it to me, at first I had no idea why he was over the moon to watch me eat some cabbage. And then I realize... this is the first people-food I’d ever eaten, and it’s an expensive kind. Only REALLY rich people in IRL could afford cabbage or lettuce, it was one of the rarest foods available. Since the ground was so contaminated, fruits and vegetables that soaked up the most toxins had to be fiercely regulated. Watermelons, beets, carrots, cabbage, lettuce, all the ones close to the ground and had a lot of water in them were only for CEO-types. And I’d just eaten several leaves that would have cost my lifetime salary EACH. Which says more about my paycheck than how rich they are, I think. In this new world I’d just eaten what the 1% struggled to in IRL, and I didn’t even think about it. No wonder he’s ecstatic. We’re living like kings, and Momonga has always been happy to share with the guild. He’s always considered us family. Cabbage... will now hold a special place in my heart.

\----------

The day after my first real food, I’m summoned to the throne room. To be honest, I’m nervous. This is the first time I’ll be meeting my own creation. If the maids have become real, then doesn’t that mean Demiurge will be his own person? Will he hate me for leaving him behind to chase after a dead man’s secrets? Does he even know?

I’m glad Momonga’s carrying me in my Favorite Spot. I need a little comfort from a friend right now. I’m about to go into a room full of possibly hostile high-levels with only Momonga by my side. If they blame me for abandoning them and won’t listen to the guild leader... there’s really nothing we can do but try to take as many of them out as we can. We’ll definitely die. Momonga doesn’t seem anxious, though, and I try to match his calm. Surely he knows what to expect better than I do.

The doors open and inside there are kneeling figures. I know the names of the Guardians and one of the Pleiades, but there are others in there I’d assume are the rest of that battle maid team.

Shalltear is cute but I know very well what lies under that unassuming exterior. Her build is min-max heaven, and she even has a resurrection item. Not only that, but with Pero as her creator she’s bound to be into some crazy shit. I never wanted to know exactly what.

The cold warrior, Cocytus... Takemika made his floor an experience grinder so he could constantly fight, even as a level 100. The guy’s got to be a weapons master, and he has four arms to hold them all. Unfortunately, I didn’t get around to asking Takemika what his personality was, an oversight I might really regret if things get ugly.

Aura and Mare I know more about. Buku would rave about them to anyone that would listen. Aura is the commanding older sister, while Mare follows in her footsteps as the obedient little brother. I even know Aura loves meat while Mare loves vegetables. I highly doubt they’d turn on me, but if they do it will be Aura that orders her brother to attack.

I tried to read Tabula’s novel about Albedo but after Nigredo and Rubedo I just... genuinely couldn’t. I got the gist. Albedo’s a yandere. Tabula can call it gap moe all he likes, all three sisters are yanderes. Albedo is the only one of the sisters that pretends to be sane and put together, but she’s got just as much crazy stuffed into her. I wish Tabula wasn’t such a horror movie fan now. If any of them were to go psycho and murder us... it would be Albedo. AND she’s the Overseer so she can order the rest to kill us as well.

Sebas... I don’t have a good read on. I know TouchMe made Sebas look like him, and Sebas is the only Pleiades member I know the name of. Other than that I know he’s... a good person? Genuinely, I have nothing. TouchMe and myself weren’t on the best of terms, and I know it’s my fault as much as his. Clashing personalities. I hope Sebas won’t turn out the same.

Then, finally Demiurge. My creation come alive. I spent so much time and effort making him perfect. However, the model I was making him perfectly represent was... wrong. I had so much hatred back then, it’s strange how a change of scenery can put things into perspective. I created Demiurge to be an evil CEO-type that would kneel to me. I ingrained it into his personality that the guild members were better than him, that his “coworkers” and “subordinates” were extremely important. Now when I look at him kneeling, as I taught him to, I feel so much guilt. This isn’t what a true villain does. A true villain will fight their opponents at full strength and triumph, not hurt an innocent by brainwashing him into being a strawman. I aim to be a true villain. And it starts by righting the wrongs against my own creation.

I may not be able to change his personality, but I know very well what I put in there. There is something only I can do, and only in this body. My pride is secondary to becoming the ultimate demon lord of villainy.

Leaping from my Favorite Spot, I bound up to him, my hooves skidding on the stone floor. I stop right in front of him and look up. He seems a little shocked, I can work with that. I flop onto my back in the “belly rubs please” position.

“Demiurge loves fluffy things, it is his biggest secret. He uses only starched sheets and hard-pressed clothing to hide his affinity for softness.” -my dumbass self

Demiurge’s smile could relight the sun.

_Worth it._


	4. Chapter 4 - I am a Supreme Being?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's a little shorter than normal cause SOMEONE decided to steal something at my work, so we get to spend an extra half-hour doing meticulous inventory after we close and we don't get paid for it! :D Hopefully this all dies down soon so I can get back to full 2,000 word chapters.  
> Pictuuuuuuure https://rb.gy/jahrga

\----------

Chapter 4: I am a Supreme Being?

\----------

“And so, that’s how it is. Please inform your floors after you give your reports.” Momonga finishes informing the Guardians and Sebas about my... predicament. None of them look surprised, I assume they already knew. Makes sense. Leading an entire flock into a middle floor isn’t exactly being subtle. I’m resting on the throne’s left arm, being pet by Momonga. He’s still very touchy-feely, which I don’t mind at all. I’m really enjoying being a sheep, he was never this affectionate before. Knowing Momonga he was probably nervous about overstepping boundaries and making people mad. He should know better than anyone that orphans like us love cuddles, but his insecurities keep him from reaching out.

Demiurge is the first to respond. “Of course, my Lord! We will search tirelessly for an answer to bring Lord Ulbert back to his proper form. For the moment, however, should he not have an escort? Preferably a Floor Guardian, as he is unable to defend himself adequately against threats with high enough level to enter Nazarick undetected.”

“Hmm... you do bring up a valid point. Normally a Pleiades member would be sufficient but in this small form... I won’t take any chances with someone less than level 100. Each of you, list your current responsibilities and whether you have time to guard Ulbert.” Momonga sounds so regal, I wonder if he’s roleplaying or if he’s actually had this confidence in him the entire time. Was he like this at work maybe? He’d be a great boss.

Pero's creation lifts her head. “I guard the first to third floors but nothing else, arinsu. I have plenty of time to... GUARD Lord Ulbert~ I believe I am the best for the job, Lord Ainz! Lord Perorincino gave me many things to do with animals and plenty of time to do them, arinsu~!” That is the most ominous thing she could have said. I feel faint. She is looking at me like a lamb chop, and I can practically hear her thoughts. If she gets picked I will hide under Momonga’s bed for the rest of eternity.

“I. GUARD. THE. FIFTH. FLOOR. AND. SUPERVISE. THE. LIZARD. MEN... THEY. ARE. SELF-SUFFICIENT. AND. I. CAN. GUARD. HIM. ANYTIME.” On the other hand I have no idea what Cocytus is thinking. He talks with great consideration for his words so he probably has patience. Perhaps Takemika made him like a warrior-monk personality?

“We can do it! We can guard him! All I’m doing is training the animals you brought, and Mare’s just taking care of the gardens!” Aura is as bright and cheerful, just as I expected her to be. I definitely am rooting for the twins to be chosen. Her brother is nodding vigorously.

“I can also guard my Lord and Creator.” Demiurge’s tail is wagging like crazy. He must be super happy. “As his creation, I have the best understanding of my Creator in any form. My schedule is fairly light, due in no small part to your brilliance, Lord Ainz. What I believed would take years has been taken off my plate within months! As such, my minimal duties are as follows: Guarding the seventh floor, planning for invasions, the creation of traps directly outside of Nazarick, overseeing the collapse of all other nations, organizing the spy network, creating ties with similarly-minded individuals with power in other countries, replacing their bureaucratic and judicial roles with Doppelgangers, the creation of a mail-like system within Nazarick, meetings with Albedo to discuss and sort reports from all denizens, implementations of her rationing strategy for both gold and food, collecting direct reports from Neuronist Painkill and Pulcinella, overseeing the farm and its needs, and experimentation with creatures of this world to determine several factors such as weaknesses and compatibility between races.” 

Everyone in the room is staring. There isn’t a set of eyes that’s not on Demiurge right now. He doesn’t seem to notice, all his attention is on the throne, tail never even hesitating. It’s swinging so hard it would take someone out. Aura, bless her, asks the question everyone’s thinking. “Erm, Demiurge? Why do you have so many responsibilities?”

He looks at her, tilting his head. “Hm? What do you mean? They are all very small things.”

_ “Overseeing the collapse of all other nations” is a small thing?! WHAT KIND OF PERSON DID I MAKE?! _

“Ah. Demiurge, perhaps you should efficiently distribute some of those responsibilities to those that have little. It is not fair to hoard them.” Momonga explains the basic idea in a weird way, but it seems to do the trick. Demiurge apologizes profusely and promises to distribute “the honor” fairly, whatever that means. Does he truly view chores as an honor? What a way to lay on the guilt, Demiurge. Although they all seem to, even the maids that helped Farmer move in seemed ecstatic once they knew who I was, like that one detail lit up their whole world. Maybe it’s not that I’m a horrible person... hopefully. What is this strange view they have though?

Momonga waves off the apologies. “It’s fine, Demiurge. I had given you those with the assumption you would leave some to your underlings and the other Guardians. You are a very efficient person to do them alone but I don’t want you to tire yourself out. Albedo, I already know your current responsibilities, as we discussed them in my office yesterday. Yourself, Demiurge, and Shalltear are exempt from guarding Ulbert except in emergencies. Shalltear, while her responsibilities seem light, is managing the first three floors and must remain alert. My judgement is this: Cocytus will guard Ulbert during the day, and Aura and Mare will guard him when he rests for the night. He sleeps on their floor anyway. Are there objections?”

None are voiced but the three exempt look sad. Shalltear’s shoulders slump, Albedo’s wings droop, and Demiurge’s tail thunks to the ground. 

_ Uwah, don’t make those faces. _

They move on to reports. I’m getting sleepy. 

“... Nothing exciting on the first floor, arinsu...”

“... NO. NEW. DEVELOPMENTS. WITH. LIZARD...”

“... Mail system is coming along nicely...”

“... G-garden is doing w-well...”

“... Fenrir did something really cute...!”

“... To make report formats more streamlined, my beloved...”

Momonga is rhythmically scratching my whole back now while listening to them. During Demiurge’s report about a farm somewhere, my wool gets trapped between his fingers and I yelp in surprise. He motions for Demiurge to continue and tries to untangle himself slyly. I still want to take a nap but now I’m amused at his attempt to save face. I resettle and let him keep petting since he seems a little more aware of what he’s doing.

Demiurge nods happily. “As I was saying, my Lord, the vegetables and grain to be bought from the Re-Estize Kingdom...”

I’m asleep before he finishes his sentence.

\----------

I wake up to something ICE COLD underneath me. I grumble and shuffle, trying to get away from it, but it’s everywhere I go. I’m also laying on something curved so every part of my stomach is touching this freezing surface. Thoroughly disgruntled, I open my eyes to see... an ice table? Did I fall asleep in Ygg? I’m a little groggy cause it’s so freaking cold.

Wait. It’s impossible to feel cold in a video game.

Abruptly, my memories return and I realize I’m on Cocytus’s shoulder. The change in perspective was what threw me off, as I am at my avatar’s normal height while on his shoulder. How long has it been since I was tall again? I feel like I’m on top of the world. Not my Favorite Spot but definitely a nice one. Cocytus is sharpening his blades and--

_ Wooooah. Look how many he has! _

Weapons of all shapes and sizes line the icy walls. Weapons master, indeed. I can’t help but think it must be a royal pain to clean all these, and it makes me snort. Cocytus’s head lifts from his task.

“MY. LORD. YOU. HAVE. AWOKEN... I. AM. YOUR. GUARDIAN. UNTIL. NIGHTFALL... PLEASE. STAY. NEAR. TO. ME... DEMIURGE. HAS. GIVEN. ME. INSTRUCTIONS. ON. YOUR. CARE.” His breath looks like steam but feels like icy mist, he takes one every time he ends a sentence. It’s a strange way to talk. Oddly charming. At least he can speak, I wasn’t sure insects would be able to when I first saw him.

I wonder what “instructions” he was given. As far as I’m aware Demiurge has nothing about animal care in his settings. Although he did mention a farm, perhaps that’s where he got his information? He is supposed to learn quickly. 

My tummy rumbles. I still have to drink milk every once in a while until the first month is done but I hope Cocytus gives me veggies instead. It’s about halfway to being a month, surely that counts for something?

_ C’mon man, gimme the good stuff. _

“I. HAVE. BEEN. TOLD. YOU. ENJOY. CARROTS. AND. CABBAGE. MY. LORD.”

_ FUCK YEAH I DO! _


	5. Chapter 5 - I am a little useless right now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doncha think Ainz summons everyone to the throne room way to often in Overlord? I've always thought it's weird. Just message them dude, don't make them take the stairs. xD  
> Momma and baby picture, so cuuuute! https://rb.gy/1qiw3u

\----------

Chapter 5: I am a little useless right now?

\----------

Spending the day with Cocytus isn’t bad at all once he settles into his normal routine. He tears up my cabbage so I don’t have to chase the ball around to eat it, and lets me climb his shoulders and head like a mountain range. Sometimes he mumbles about kids and uncles. Poor guy, does he want a family? I’m not sure there’s a lady out there that’s compatible with him. Entoma is the closest but she’s also based on a black widow so prooooobably not a good idea to throw a man at her. Maybe if we can still make NPCs we’ll get him a girlfriend and he can have insect kiddos. 

Overall it’s more fun on this floor than staying in the fortress-barn-thing. The only thing I miss from the sixth floor is the heat. Cocytus’s room isn’t bad but outside of it? Freezing. Cold. Snowstorm.

At some point Cocytus looks up. Apparently the Guardians and the Pleiades are being summoned to the Throne room again. That’s annoying, considering we were just there like four hours ago. What could be so important everybody’s being summoned back? All that walking... going down several flights, going back up, then having to go down again. Cocytus’s legs must be burning but he says nothing about it. He insists on me being up high while we go back down to the tenth floor. He helps me keep balance with his hand on my back. Splayed across his shoulder, I kind of feel like a bag of potatoes. When he’s not moving it’s nice to be here. It’s not as cold as the rest of his body. But when he’s mobile it’s like I’m a fresh kill or something, strung over his shoulder, off to be gutted and flayed. Why does my mind make these images? Now I can’t stop thinking about it.

\----------

Once again we’re surrounded by the flags of Ainz Ooal Gown, only now I’m on the other side of the throne. Momonga wants me to sit in his lap this time. I refuse and it feels like he’s pouting. I know I’m being petty, but I was having fun! Cocytus had finally started to let go and enjoy himself, and now he’s gonna be all stiff and proper again. I’m upset about having to redo all that progress.

“Thank you all for gathering again. I apologize for the second call today, but Neuronist has a report I’d like you all to hear.” Momonga’s apology zaps my irritation. This must actually be a big thing. I have no idea who “Neuronist” is, but perhaps they’re a scout?

The doors open behind me and strutting towards the throne is the UGLIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. No one looks happy to see this thing. Swamp-monster-drag-queen speaks and the voice sounds like a witch just stubbed her toe. “Thank you, my handsome Lord~ I have made some inquiries specifically from Lord Ainz to our friends in my home, and they’ve come up with some cute answers! A member of Eight Fingers has informed me that it is very possible to create all new spells and skills with enough intent behind them, and as far as anyone can tell, that’s where Martial Arts comes from. In our previous world such things weren’t possible but it seems magic itself has indeed been affected by the transfer, as Lord Ainz predicted. Another of my guests confirms there are annoying abilities with these... Talents. Some can predict trap locations, called [Dangersense]. Others can see magical power and gathered magic, they call it [All-Seeing Eyes]. All the Talents I have been told about are within the written report but those two seemed the most pertinent to bring up here.”

_Oh shit, those are like cheat abilities. They render a lot of our traps useless._

The rest of the room seems to agree. Silence reigns after the... thing... leaves until Momonga clears his throat. I didn’t even know undead needed to do that. “So you see, learning more about these Talents is necessary for the safety of Nazarick. As I did not know how important the information gain would be from Eight Fingers, I was unable to hand out rewards properly for efforts in Re-Estize. I can now move forward in that regard. Demiurge, I had to put off your own reward for this reason. As you were the leading role in our efforts to subjugate Eight Fingers, what would you like as a reward for your hard work? Remember to not say ‘Nothing’, as that is rude.”

“Of course, Lord Ainz. In that case, some time with Lord Ulbert would be preferable. I understand your concerns for his safety on the seventh floor, as we have not ascertained if he still is immune to its effects, but I would like to go out with Lord Ulbert to purchase whatever he wishes in a similar fashion to Sebas and his human. I hope to go to a bigger city than E-Rantel, with more shopping options.” Demiurge’s tail always gives him away, wagging happily behind him.

_Awwwww, he remembers!_

I used to take him on shopping trips in Alfheim. The guild would occasionally need specific ingredients for Amon or Tabula, and because I was the most intimidating--and have no levels in crafting but I prefer the intimidation story--I’d be sent out. Walking around Alfheim with Demiurge was loads of fun. Whatever his tail hit I would buy him, even if it looked silly. I wonder if he still has his wyvern plushie hidden in his room? Who knows, maybe he’s grown past my programming and no longer gives a damn who sees it... Now I’m sad. I start looking around the room for something fun to play with. There’s nothing. 

_Dammit._

Momonga grasps his chin. “Mmm. Granted. It will have to be after our plans for the Baharuth Empire are finished, as Arwintar is the closest big city and I would like for things to settle down before we go there with Ulbert.”

“Ah? You will be coming as well, my Lord?” Demiurge seems surprised. Then it clears and a big grin lights his face. “I see! I understand your intent perfectly, my Lord. It’s brilliant! Of course you will be coming with us! How did I not see it before?”

“I will? Er, uh, yes. My intent. As expected, you figure it out immediately.” Momonga lets go of the Guild Weapon to let it float and leans back in the chair. Why does he suddenly look tired? Do undead have to rest every once in a while since they don’t sleep? “Will you inform the others of my intent then, so it doesn’t have to be repeated?”

Demiurge stands. “Yes, I will begin immediately!” The Guardians and Pleiades turn to Demiurge for his explanation.

_This should be good. Momonga’s always been great at planning things, even if he can’t really explain why he does certain things. Whether it’s luck or intelligence, or both, the end result is the best one for the guild._

“To summarize, Lord Ainz will use our outing to focus the Emperor's attention away from his plan of world domination!”

_Whaaaaaat._

Demiurge looks so happy saying that ridiculous statement. He follows it up with a bunch of stuff I kind of understand but don’t. I have no idea about this world’s politics, I don’t even know who this Emperor guy even is. “Lord Ulbert’s unassuming form will become Lord Ainz’s ‘familiar’, if you will. He will believe Lord Ainz is attempting to manipulate his capital’s people by using Lord Ulbert as a counterpart. Not only will Lord Ainz be saving their troops from fighting on the front line when war is declared, the trading of goods and labor between Nazarick and the Baharuth Empire benefits the common folk greatly. To show a small animal being worthy of our Lord’s care and attention would lessen their aversion to Lord Ainz, and likely undead in general. If Lord Ainz can obviously love Lord Ulbert, then surely more can feel love as well? As a side note, It means selling and integrating our undead labor forces will be easier, giving us a headstart to our goal of the world needing his undead to function."

He slightly more towards the throne, adjusting his glasses. "The main effect though, is increasing the Emperor’s paranoia of betrayal. Realizing Fluder Paradyne has betrayed him will only make him more susceptible to this type of manipulation. The Emperor will see this not as an innocuous outing, but as a direct threat to his stability as a ruler. After all, if we have the support of his people they may opt to join our new nation rather than stay under his rule. He will have to use his favors and influence in defense of himself and his position, rather than to create an alliance of nations. Seeing us go on this trip specifically for Lord Ulbert would also divert his attention to a degree. He would correctly assume Lord Ulbert is of high ranking as Lord Ainz’s ‘familiar’. An animal is easier to gain favor with than a Supreme Being, or so he believes. As Nazarick’s denizens we know Lord Ulbert is far from stupid, no matter what form or mindset he is in, but Lord Ainz plans to use the Emperor’s ignorance and greed against him. He will attempt to curry favor with Lord Ulbert, and therefore Lord Ainz.”

That’s... a lot to unpack. I think I get the gist but I’m so lost about why it’s necessary. There’s more talking but I have a huge migraine trying to understand all this and I don’t want to listen. Everyone is busy and I just want to have some fun. Surely there’s something that can cause a little chaos around here?

_What about that one place...?_

I slip out the big doors without anyone noticing.


	6. Chapter 6 - I am a troublemaker?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eyyyy 2000 words again, it just took longer! I edited some of the earlier chapters to make it more cohesive. Did anyone guess right on who he visited? Lemme know in the comments!  
> \----------  
> Also, I read a fic from MCU that interested me. Obviously it has nothing to do with Overlord but they put "free to use" for their Original Characters, meaning anyone can use their characters in their own fic. I thought that was really smart! So I'm gonna put a line, something like "OC - Free to Use" in my description :D If you guys make something please lemme know!  
> Adowable picture https://rb.gy/ltxa7o

\----------

Chapter 6: I am a troublemaker?

\----------

Honestly this floor is a little barren. The Underground Lake is cool and all, but this place is mostly water. I think Garnet was supposed to decorate this place with gems and stuff but he forgot when he started making his automaton npc. On the other hand, not having anything but murky water and floating Light Lillies really makes this place look scary. The cyan light the flowers give off isn’t enough to fully see the walls, only the flimsy-looking rope bridge. It’s actually sturdier than it looks, and everything here is to make people think there’s tons of traps. There’s no trap except the Guardian. After the last three floors they’d hesitate and waste precious minutes being careful where they step, meaning the slowest Floor Guardian would have enough time to rise and block the exit.

This particular Guardian is who I’m visiting. I’ve always had an appreciation for Gargantua’s design--and obviously his strength--but I’ve been curious since coming here if sentience extends to even creatures like him. Twisted seems sentient, although simpler than the Guardians or the maids. He seems to enjoy guarding the sheep more than Farmer. It implies he has rudimentary intelligence, at least. I’ve always been weak to my own curiosity and I HAVE to know if our strongest Guardian can think for himself. Or herself, if Gargantua really has intelligence and wants it that way. I’m also curious to know if Gargantua would care about things like that. As a golem I would suspect not but I won’t know until I ask. And for that I’ve got to wake him up and sync minds.

\----------

Gargantua. Is. MASSIVE.

I can barely believe this. I knew he had to be big because of the size of the lake but I completely miscalculated. I lower one of his hands to the surface of the water so I can climb on it, and I look like a fluffy fingerprint. That’s how big Gargantua is.

I just wish he had real sentience. If riding around in Momonga is great I can’t imagine how awesome it would be to take Gargantua on a stroll! It’s surprisingly easy to control him though. I can get some impressions from him but no definite thoughts. I think he’s using my own thoughts to base his emotions? Wouldn’t that make him a kind of parasite? To be fair we have just about every other type of pest in Nazarick. Gargantua can live vicariously through me all he likes, I don’t mind. A happy emotion that’s not mine floats by in my brain. I get the mental picture of outside and being raised to the sky on his hand. It changes to me casting spells and him chasing after them, destroying entire forests in his wake.

_That’s adorable! You’re a very big stone doggy that wants to play magic fetch. Who’s a good puppy?_

And just like a dog, Gargantua is filthy with dirt and plants. There’s some sort of reeds on his shoulders, what looks like the pictures of kelp with lightly glowing buds from my school’s textbook, and moss. Moss was one of the few things to survive in irradiated waters so it is the only familiar plant-like thing I’ve seen. It was expressly forbidden for lower classes to harvest moss since it was middle class food. If I’d eaten moss IRL I would have been sent to prison for decades. This has always made me insanely curious how it tastes.

One bite wouldn’t hurt...

\----------

That’s how the Guardians and Momonga found me: happily eating vegetation on Gargantua. The entire time I’ve been snacking, Gargantua has been super happy through our mental connection. The feeling of becoming clean plus the taste from my end must feel fantastic. He’s so cute.

The newcomers into the floor don’t seem to think the same way. I look up at their gasps to find everyone that could [Fly] doing so. Aura, Mare, and Cocytus are running towards the lake edge. Momonga, Albedo, Shalltear, and Demiurge are coming to a stop around Gargantua. They all seem... scared? Surely they aren’t scared of the big Guardian, he would never hurt any of them! I get a strong ping of agreement through our connection. Albedo and Shalltear duck out of sight while the rest hover around Gargantua’s hand.

“My Creator, please... return Gargantua to the lake.” Demiurge looks like he’s in physical pain. “It is proof of your might as a Supreme Being that you raised him at all, yes, but... he is quite large. Something could happen. I request you place him back, or allow us to do so in your stead.”

“Ulbert, listen to Demiurge.” Momonga is pleading. Why is everyone so concerned? So what if he’s big? Cocytus is big too and no one seemed to care. Gargantua has been very gentle! He’s been the best stone puppy a sheep could ask for! “Come to me, over here. Let Albedo put him back into the lake. Come on, we’ll get you cabbage, you love cabbage... Albedo, can you wrest control from him yet?”

Wait is that what she’s doing? I look around and sure enough they’re by Gargantua’s head. I’m annoyed. Finally I get something fun to do and they ruin it. I stomp my hoof as I feel the connection with Gargantua getting thinner. I say goodbye and get a sad image of him waving. The red streaks of ruby through his body dim and flicker.

And suddenly I’m falling.

_WAIT DID SHE TAKE CONTROL OR JUST TURN HIM OFF?!_

I hit the water hard, knocking the air out of me. Everything is loud splashing sounds and fast moving rapids, I don’t know what way is up. I know how to swim, but not in this body. Something grabs me in multiple places. I can’t move, I’m panicking--!

I breach the surface, sputtering. Around me are the Guardians, all except Gargantua. Some of them let go of me but I don’t go back under. I realize I’m in Momonga’s arms, his hood is shoved back and his eyes are burning bright. Albedo and Demiurge are still holding onto a leg each for dear life, and [Fly] with Momonga out of the lake. Cocytus takes the twins in his arms and Shalltear picks them all up to get back to the shore.

Albedo immediately kneels once we get there. “I’m so sorry, my Lord!” She sounds like she’s about to cry. “In order to take control from a Supreme Being I was forced to shut down Gargantua for a split second. I didn’t think he would collapse completely! Please forgive me, my beloved!”

“Ah, Albedo, it’s... it’s alright. I know that wasn’t your intention. However, you should have informed us of what you needed to do. We could have gotten Ulbert out of the way.” Momonga does seem a little peeved but it’s hard to tell with a skull. “For your punishment, you will put Gargantua back the way he was. He’s collapsed now, so stand him up and place him neatly. The rest of us... will be taking a much-needed bath.”

\----------

_Going to the fourth floor was the best idea ever!_

Not only did I get to see Gargantua in action but now I get a soothing bath from a Guardian. Most of them are headed to the 9th floor spa with me and Momonga in tow. Chatter and laughter stop around us as we head down the stairs. Well I suppose we make quite the sight, can’t blame people for staring at us. Not every day they see all their higher-ups leaving puddles as they drag themselves forward.

I didn’t mean for them to jump in after me but ah well, it did cause delicious chaos. It was oddly nice they’d worry about me. I’m supposed to be the Big Bad, the Great Disaster, the ULTIMATE DEMON! ... And they were scared I’d drown because I’m a little smaller than normal. Maybe they were a little cute. Just a bit. I expected it from Momonga--guy’s a nervous wreck--but some of the Guardians should have at least hesitated to fling themselves into disgusting lake water. Especially mine, he turned out to be so different than what I thought he would... I guess that’s because of that line then?

_“Loves everyone in Nazarick, they are his family.” -myself_

_I’m a sentimental bastard, aren’t I? I thought they’d come back. I thought... I’D come back._

“Seems like he’s tired now. Hopefully that means he’ll be easy to bathe. We’ve definitely had enough adventuring for today... and the next few years, really.” Momonga sounds exhausted, even without a face to express it. Oops. I wasn’t really trying to scare anyone but I guess the big teddy bear is still worried about me being small. It’s times like these I want to confess, tell them I’ve been sentient the whole time. But if I did would things still be the same? Would he still give me ear scratchies, or let me play with his world item? Would the Guardians still be so free with their emotions? Would they hold it against me? I guiltily push it back.

_I promise I’ll tell you eventually._

Since Albedo was tasked with putting Gargantua back in the lake, she’d be getting a bath after us. She looked like she wanted to do anything BUT that. I understand the feeling, her dress is soaking wet. At least Shalltear looked happy. As happy as she could with hair plastered to her face and dripping armor and feathers, anyways. So, drowned-cat level of happiness.

Aura is carrying me for now, I guess as a beast tamer they hope she’ll keep me in line. Kid is soaked almost as bad as I am. She looks the happiest to have launched herself into the water. She’s got the brightest smile on. I guess this sort of rough and tumble stuff was ingrained in her by Buku. 

Mare, on the other hand, looks half frozen. Little guy is shivering like crazy. Doesn’t help that he’s right beside Cocytus, who seems unfazed now that I’m not in danger--oh no, wait. He’s got a clump of moss in the joint of his shoulder where it meets his neck. I wonder if he knows it’s there? He has to, it’s slimy. He must not care enough to take it off right now, Takemika sure made him an easygoing guy. I’d eat it for him but there’s no way Aura will let me go. 

Demiurge looks the most composed out of the group, despite his suit and hair being sopping wet. His ears stick out more when his hair is smoothed, like a skin colored goblin. 

_Oof that’s not attractive... Sorry buddy, my bad._

He won’t stop looking at me, smirking like he knows something no one else does. He’s creeping me out. I may have created the guy but right now he might as well be a stranger, I have no idea what’s going on in his head. What DOES someone think when their creator is a sheep, anyhow? I should let up on him, he’s taken things remarkably well so far. Probably because I designed him as a strategist, an adaptable demon despite the inclination for the race to be bullheaded... me included. He adjusts his glasses before speaking.

“My creator’s intelligence shines brightly, even through this form’s constraints. I’m sure you noticed as well, my Lord, the reason for his ‘adventure’.” Demiurge’s smirk gets impossibly wider as he glances at Momonga.

_Eh?_

The skeleton form stutters in his walk. “Oh, yes, of course! It’s THAT, isn’t it? ... Do inform the others though, in a way they can understand as well.” Momonga clears his throat. It’s got to be a habit from his human days.

_Eh????_

“Of course, my Lord!” Tail wagging, Demiurge turns to the now supremely confused Guardians. And a supremely confused me, but he didn’t know that. “Lord Ulbert was present for the conversation in the throne room was he not? Though he may be unable to understand us completely, animals often can sense emotion and intent. While I spoke of acquiring more vegetables, for both the farm and Lord Ulbert, he let out a bleat of discontent. At first I thought he was merely uncomfortable on the throne’s arm. But now I believe this was the moment he read my intent to gather food. And so he took it upon himself to find something to eat, so that we wouldn’t be worried for his health!”

_EHHHHH?!_

“Amazing!”

“O-oh! That makes sense!”

“OUR. LORDS. ARE. THOUGHTFUL. AND. MERCIFUL.”

As the Guardians express their appreciation for Demiurge’s view--and make cooing noises I definitely did NOT hear--I look to Momonga as the sole sane person left... And he’s staring at me? 

“Ahhh.... so he tried to save us the trouble by eating moss? Uwah.... Ulbert... I’ll give you all the cabbage you want...” What a mournful whisper! If skeletons could cry he sounds like he would be. How is he believing this?! He got his hand stuck in my wool, he KNOWS that’s what caused me to yelp back then! Isn’t Momonga supposed to be really smart? For that matter, isn’t Demiurge? I can’t comprehend what’s happening here. All I know is Momonga’s looking at me so sadly, shoulders drooping like a kicked puppy. 

_I just wanted to know what it tasted like, don’t look at me like that!_


	7. Chapter 7 - I am a dirty boy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heyoooo! I had to cut a part out of this one for continuity later but hopefully no one notices where it was, I think I smoothed it over ok? Anyways, this chapter is less focused on the guys, and the next will be girl focused~! All characters in Overlord deserve some love, even the terrifyingly perverted ones <3  
> He looks so smug https://rb.gy/oj7wzl

\----------

Chapter 7: I am a dirty boy?

\----------

The rest of the trip is spent congratulating me for something I didn’t do. It’s exhausting. I wonder if they realize they’re praising an animal. They honestly believe I have the mind of what amounts to a toddler, and yet they think I “read their intent” or whatever? Surely that’s contradictory. What “higher intelligence” have I shown more than any other sheep?

_ Ouch, accidental self burn. But it’s true, though. It’s not like they’ve tested my IQ since coming here, they just accepted Monga’s story. _

Maids are stopping to stare at us the closer we get to our destination. I’m chalking it up to their odd behavior and not the fact that everyone is leaving water trails. That way, it’s technically not my fault if people stare. They’re staring because the Guardians are weird, not because we fell in a lake... Except for the fact I MADE one of them so weird... I’m not going to think about that! It’s definitely not my fault. 

Goal in sight, the whole group lets a sigh of relief, including me. By this point getting into the changing room meant a few less undeserved compliments, and I’m all for it. My chaos has been achieved, now I just want a bath and a nap, and maybe a carrot.

We split, going into the changing rooms in parties. The whole place smells like lavender and the sea, it’s amazing. Who wanted to put this in? Blue Planet, right? I could kiss the guy. His additions in decorations and designing have proved to be invaluable. I genuinely hope he gets to see all he’s made one day. Maybe we’ll find them all, the members of Ainz Ooal Gown that we left behind. If I died and Momonga probably died too, surely that means it’s possible for them to get here. If it was just me I might be sad but knowing this place might be the afterlife makes me feel calm. 

Shalltear is the first to reach the lockers. It looks like the Guardians have ones assigned, or maybe they just have their names on the ones they want. Aura puts me down on a bench, careful to place me away from clean towels.

_ Ok, maybe have a little more confidence in me please. _

Shalltear and Aura are arguing about padding while I look around. I don’t want to think about women and any type of pads, no thank you. I hop off the bench and explore. 

My hooves don’t slip on the wet ground as I head outside. Above me, the sky is a deep shade of blue. Our guild members really outdid themselves, putting all these amenities in Nazarick. It’s so peaceful, much different than the organized chaos the rest of Nazarick functions in. The smells are getting to me, making me sleepy. I bet the water will be warm enough to take a little snooze. Do we have a kiddie pool I can sleep in without drowning? That definitely needs to be added.

Someone calls my name. I hear the soft sound of feet hitting stone behind me.

“Lord Ulbert, don’t go too far away. I have to scrub you before you get into the water, and you can’t get in without one of us in there too.” Ahhh Aura, Buku really made her down to earth--

_ Why is she in her underwear? _

\----------

Suddenly things click and I’m fully awake. The spa is divided by gender. The men are on the men’s side. I am on the woman’s side. I am about to be bathed by two naked lolis. 

The last thought hits me like a train, chasing every bit of peace I had away.

_ NOOOOOOOOOO! _

I leap away, scrabbling to climb the rocks to the men’s side. I may not be a goat anymore but I’ll be a mountain SHEEP if it gets me out of here. Aura is trying to follow, calling for me the whole way, but she can’t go as high as I can or she’ll show off her panties to the guys.

_ Oh fuck my life, her PANTIES. Buku I swear to everything unholy, I CAN EXPLAIN DON’T KILL ME! _

Finally I’m over the wall. I land pretty hard but I’m a level 100, I can take the shaky legs as long as I’m on this side. A sigh of relief escapes me without my consent. It’s not the worst thing that happened to me today without my consent.

Momonga and Cocytus are the only ones in the room so far, having just sat down on the washing stools. They’re staring like I just grew another head but that’s fine. Momonga has a scrubby brush in his hand that would feel divine on my ears.

_ You’re just what I needed, Monga, a consenting adult. Bath please? _

“Lord Ulbert~ Lord Momonga said you need a bath~ And he wanted US, specifically, to bathe ALL your parts, arinsu~” Shalltear sounds breathless. I try not to think about why. Or the moan that follows.

_ I’m sorry Pero, I’d rather die. _

Momonga stands, huffing a sigh. He picks me up like a skeletal angel and places me in Cocytus’s loving care. “Since you don’t need clothing, please return him for me. It’s already going to be more crowded on this side, and I don’t think any of us know how to bathe a sheep.” 

Wait, the bastard is betraying me! He’s gonna feed me to the lolis! I immediately start to struggle. He’s saying something about Demiurge being right about intent but I’m far beyond giving a shit. I am a WIGGLING PRO, DON’T UNDERESTIMATE ME.

It doesn’t matter how many arms Cocytus has, I wriggle out of all of them and book it past Demiurge and Mare coming out of the men’s changing rooms, forcing Cocytus to make it past them on his own. Out into the hallway I go, a blue giant thudding after me. I’m a spellcaster, my speed is nowhere near a warrior’s. I know even with that head start I’m boned. Unless...

_ I AM CHAOS INCARNATE HEAR ME ROAR. _

I swerve into the Staff Canteen. Maids stand but don’t get a chance to scatter. I duck under the tables, using my height to my advantage to avoid bumping into people. He has to stop completely to not run anyone over and it gives me distance. While I go straight through, he has to weave around panicked maids and tables. He tries to catch up but I’m back into the hallway before he can make it. 

Once again, the chase is on. I dodge maids and some penguin thing before coming across my worst nightmare in this situation. 

SEBAS. 

He’s talking with a blonde maid lady and he’s facing away from me. There’s no way to get around him without being seen. I have two options: back towards Cocytus or forward past Sebas. Cocytus knows I’m here. Sebas... Sebas does NOT. 

I put all my strength into my legs and shove. My jump should win a medal. I land on Sebas’s shoulders, shoving him into the lady he was talking to. They both go down but the maid shoots back up, holding her mouth. Cocytus doesn’t slow down in time and almost sends Sebas flying. When he slips, he takes out Sebas’s legs, causing the poor butler’s back to land uncomfortably on Cocytus’s face. The maid was quick enough to peace out to the side before Cocytus ran over them both. Good for her because Cocytus probably hits like a truck. Her face is the reddest I’ve ever seen on a person though. It seems I’ve left everyone traumatized in that hallway.

_ I’ll give you an apology gift later, Sebas and Blonde Lady! _

I make rights and lefts by instinct. This is MY territory, I know the 9th floor like the back of my hoof, almost as well as I know the 7th floor. My goal is in sight and he’s nowhere near. I burst through the open door to the Roundtable Room and crash my little body into it again to close it. NPCs aren’t allowed in the Roundtable Room, due to it housing the Guild weapon. To be honest I’m kinda surprised I was allowed in with a different body but I figure, ya know, magic.

The thudding footsteps arrive and leave. He must believe I continued down the hall. After all, how could a sheep know he couldn’t enter this room? I’m so proud of myself right now.

\----------

I feel so fucking stupid.

Of course I can’t REOPEN THE DOOR. My little pea brain thought I’d just use the Guild weapon to teleport, but DUH I’ve seen Momonga with it several times! Why would it be in here NOW when it hasn’t been since I got here?! The door was even open in the first place, it was never opened back then, to protect the Guild weapon! 

_ UGH, I’m so DUMB... I hope they find me soon. _

\----------

Every once in a while I hear conversation outside. Gossiping maids, mostly.

“--I swear, they were wringing wet! I’m not making it up--”

"--heard he gave Sebas permission! Even made them kiss! To have TWO Supreme Beings bless the union, surely that means there’s a wedding in the future--"

“--well, he hasn’t been seen by anyone since, do you think he somehow got outside?! Oh, that would be horrible, who knows what could happen--”

“--is beside himself with worry... It hurts to see a Supreme Being like this--”

“--for four hours?! Where could he be--”

None of them can open the door. They probably don’t even know it was open when I went in. All I can do is wait for Momonga to retrace my steps.

I hide under the table sadly.

\----------

“Ulbert? Are you in here?”

Eventually the door opens. I let out a pitiful bleat from under Buku’s chair.

“Oh thank goodness, you ARE in here...” Momonga’s robes swish as he looks for me. I’m far too embarrassed to get out myself. Eventually he crouches to see under the table and I stare forlornly at his skull.

“Baaaaah....” 

_ I’m hungry. I’m thirsty. I’m upset. Pick me up? _

He moves the chair out of the way and fishes me out from underneath. He doesn’t put me in my Favorite Spot but he does hold me. I snuggle in and my stomach rumbles.

“I suppose you would be hungry, being stuck in here.” Momonga sniffs me and recoils. “You can get something to eat after your bath.”

“BAaaAaaAHHHH!!!!!”


	8. Chapter 8 - I am a trial run?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thief at my work was caught! It's kinda sad to see the only other female coworker go but if she's stealing it's her own fault. Me and the boys celebrated for a few nights in a row, I'm so glad I can go home at a normal time again! xD  
> D'awww look at his little feetsies https://rb.gy/xa5kug

\----------

Chapter 8: I am a trial run?

\----------

Momonga bathes me himself, and out of thanks I vow to be a good boy for the upcoming days. He’s put a lot of work into me and I genuinely appreciate it. Even evil masterminds have buddies they care for, having people you care about is what makes someone a person rather than a caricature. He seems surprised I’m so calm, which changes to happiness when I nuzzle his hand.

“Oh, you just wanted ME to do it? Humph! You’re so spoiled, running and causing problems just because you didn’t get your way. You realize I will tell them why you did it so they don’t think you hate them, yes? Shalltear was quite upset, as she doesn’t see you often.” He takes a few more potshots at me but I allow it. I did cause a lot of trouble today, and I do feel kinda bad for Pero’s creation. If we could only find something in common that wasn’t a fetish...

The rest of the bath is spent comfortably listening while he [Message]s people. I wonder if he knows it can be done without talking. Or maybe he knows and doesn’t mind my presence, after all I’m supposed to only know “intent” or whatever. At least it means I get more information. When I realize he’s talking to Demiurge I bleat loudly so my creation can hear me on the other end, which makes Momonga chuckle. It’s the little things in life that makes everyone happy.

He has a few conversations in the time it takes to scrub me down. Most are about the outside world, of which I’ve only really heard about. Farmer’s barn wasn’t really a hotspot for tourists, and I only know where one city is. Some conversations are about which people to follow, I’m guessing he’s talking to hanzos or shadow demons. Apparently Cocytus is the only Guardian working with these “lizardmen”, and they’re setting up for a holiday of some sort soon. A nice [Message] to get in the middle of business. There is one with some juicy gossip, though. At first it starts out fine, but then things get a little weird.

“Er, Albedo, I don’t think that’s... No no no, I’m saying I’m not sure if I will even HAVE children. I might not even... Well, yes, but... Think about it this way. If we’re having trouble with Ulbert, how much trouble could an actual toddler get into? ... Yes, think of it as a trial run. If Nazarick can’t be safe for Ulbert then surely it’s not safe for children... Um, I’m not sure if Cocytus would... Well obviously if I were to ask but he’s been doing the best he can and his responsibilities are a few days away, I don’t think... Uwah.”

_Ooooh, what’s that, Monga? Using me as a scapegoat? Shameful! Hehehehe... I would probably do the same thing but me and Pero used to giggle like crazy whenever Monga had to talk to a lady he didn’t regularly raid with. Yamaiko got insulted one time because he said he always stutters with pretty women, and she mentioned he didn’t stutter anymore when he talked to her. He sure went back to stuttering after that! Good times._

If I could smirk right now I would. Momonga always gets himself into hot water with women, it wasn't just Yamaiko. I can practically feel him sweating over this conversation, undead or not. He’s completely stopped rinsing me off and is paying very close attention to a spot on the wall as he speaks.

“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt, and he would mostly be in the office anyway... The twins? No, I have to stop you there, he still needs to be there... Yes, because of the mother... EH?!” Momonga’s jaw drops and I have never wished harder to laugh. “I--It--I don’t know about that, that seems--I mean, it wouldn’t have the same nutritional value--Not that I’m insulting your abilities it just seems that wouldn’t work, don’t women have to already have a child before--before THAT?”

_Nutritional value? The twins’ mom? Is she planning to eat Buku or something, what on earth are they talking about?! And what does Albedo’s ability to give birth have to do with anything? Only you, Monga, could run into a woman like this. I knew she was probably nuts because of Tabula but... yikes._

Momonga’s jaw closes and he hums. “Bring her into the office? Yes, that could work, but he could also be shy about it... Be sure to ask that man for advice, it is what we got him for.”

The conversation seems to end there, and I’m still none the wiser on what it was about. At least he’s rinsing me off again, and he apologizes for my shivering.

By the time I’m dried off and warm again, I’m already half dozing.There’s something so soothing about being bathed like that. Momonga takes me back to Farmer and I cuddle with Surrogate Mom until I fall asleep.

\----------

I thought I’d be going with Cocytus today but the plans were changed at some point. It’s too bad, I was looking forward to seeing more of the fifth floor even though it’s way too cold. I never really went there as my avatar, but Takemika put a lot of soul into the place. It’s also supposed to be an infinitely spawning area for passive ice wraiths, meaning I could test this body out more. Who knows, maybe Cocytus would have sparred with me even though I’m about the size of his hand outstretched. Ok, maybe that last one is a little farfetched.

However, it’s not all bad where I am, it’s just monotonous. I’m in Momonga’s lap while he and Albedo do paperwork in the office. There’s a different maid than I’ve ever seen before just... staring at us. She looks like she’s in awe at just them writing, and every once in a while she dusts a surface that doesn’t need it. I end up watching her circle the room, dusting random things in between gazing at Momonga in excitement.

I wish I shared her enthusiasm. It's very boring in here. To the point where I start to question what I can get up to while still being considered a “good boy”, so I can have some fun while not going back on yesterday’s vow. It doesn’t help that I’m kind of uncomfortable being perched on bony legs. There’s just not enough space, and when I try to go into my Favorite Spot Momonga scoops me out and puts me back in his lap. Momonga’s orb hovers behind me, brushing up against my tail rhythmically, just softly enough that it’s ticklish. It’s maddening, I just want to kick it--oh. 

A random thought occurs to me, and makes me insanely curious. His world item was never a weak spot in Yggdrasil but everyone seemed to think it was. It makes me wonder if that changed since arriving in this world. It’s sort of close to every man’s weak spot. Maybe if I just sliiiightly hit it, Momonga will be made aware of a weakness he didn’t think about. I’m helping him, really... if it were an enemy they wouldn’t be so nice... 

I can convince myself if I try hard enough. Who knows, maybe he’ll decide I need a breather.

_Sorry Monga, this may hurt you a lot more than it hurts me. For science!_

HEADBUTT!

... He just pats my head. Well, I tried.

And now it’s back to silence. None of the people in this room even talk to each other, much less me. I feel like I’m going to go bonkers. Out of sheer boredom I stand on Momonga’s legs and peek at what he’s writing. It’s something about finances, what mercenary summons are costing Nazarick, how much money the endless cabinets in the Staff Canteen are saving us, blah blah blah. Doesn’t even have the decency to be an entertaining report. Why is Momonga the one doing this? Surely there’s someone else that works on stuff besides him and Albedo. Like that one treasury guy he made. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I’ve seen that guy around yet. He’s supposed to look like a soldier or commander if I remember right. Maybe he’s been assigned somewhere else.

I can’t stand another minute of this. This room sucks. I want to go back to the tower. There are toys on the sixth floor for me like wooden balls and food puzzles, Mare made them himself and they’re so much better than sitting around waiting for endless paperwork to be done. Cocytus will probably be asked to take me down there if I make a little racket. I fidget, hoping to get Momonga’s attention. 

He glances down at me. “Hm? Ah, yes, you’re probably hungry again. I was informed you’d need all the nutrients you could get. Albedo, did you ask Arthur about how to care for Ulbert?”

“Yes, my Lord! He has told me many things.” Albedo stands and motions to the maid in the room. It’s some signal for the maid to leave. “Lord Ulbert had trouble as a babe and could not latch onto his mother. I didn’t bring her into the office for that reason, there was no need as he’s always been bottle fed.”

_And proud of it._

Albedo continues with a happy smile. “As such, I can definitely take care of him Lord Ainz! I can take care of ANY child within Nazarick, even ones that are not humanoid. There is no safer place to have an heir...” The smile that was cute before now turns too wide. 

_Oh shit, here comes the crazy. I knew she had it in her. Damn you, Tabula!_

“Especially if it’s YOURS and MINE, my BELOVED. Even if I cannot feed Lord Ulbert to show my skill as a mother, any child you give me will live a perfect life in every way! It is as you said after all, a mother must have a child before she can feed the little ones~” She is most definitely getting too close. I want to hide within Momonga’s chest cavity. I raise my hooves at the same time he raises his hands, both of our postures screaming discomfort.

_THAT’S WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT?! NO! EVERY PART OF ME REFUSES!_

No wonder he’d been a stuttering mess! This lady is off her rocker!

The maid comes back with impeccable timing. Momonga scootches his chair back in a desperate bid to escape the succubus bearing down on us both.

“AH, yes, Cixous, come in! You have Ulbert’s bottle? Wonderful! I will feed him within my room, I believe he was getting impatient anyways. Albedo, I will see you another time!” Momonga’s about as slick as sandpaper but since it gets us away, I don’t mind a bit.

“Wait, my Lord! I thought I was to take care of Lord Ulbert today?! I must show you how wonderful a mother I am, and you simply must see the clothes and accessories I made for him! I made over thirty outfits last night, he will be trying them on today!” Albedo is on us before Momonga can take the bottle, crushing herself--and me--into his side. The bleat I let out is more akin to an “eep!”.

The poor skeleton’s eye lights go out and his jaw hangs loosely. Momonga has never been good at talking to women. “Um, uh, that--yes, of course! You can... do that. Yes. I will be doing--er, something else.” He straight up shoves me into her arms and teleports out.

_Monga, this better not be betrayal. I will take a massive dump in your bed if you do not teleport back into this room RIGHT NOW, MISTER._

He doesn’t come back. My vow has changed. Now I vow to eat the worst smelling items I can to maximize the efficiency of the “presents” I’m going to give him.

It doesn’t save me from Albedo’s pink sweaters and fake devil horns. I return to the sixth floor a changed and traumatized man.


	9. Chapter 9 - I am a baby?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uuuuggh I was so sick and lazy this past week and a half or so. It was all I could do just replying to comments. Wish me luck that's the only time this year >.<  
> Sleepy sheep! https://rb.gy/g98mmu

\----------

Chapter 9: I am a baby?

\----------

I am in a Situation. It deserves the capital S. Currently I am hiding under Mare’s mini-tree bed, and the decorative roots are the only thing between me and a very maniacally happy Albedo. I have no idea where Cocytus went or why, but I have been awaiting rescue and he hasn’t appeared.

When she came to retrieve me this morning I ran for my life but now I’m wondering if I should have just bit her. She seems to think I’m playing hide and seek. I am most definitely NOT but I’m very worried what she’ll do when she realizes I’m avoiding her. I feel like an ant being inspected with a magnifying glass, just wondering when I’ll be incinerated. This lady reeks of danger.

“Come out, Lord Ulbert! We’ll have the whole day together, won’t that be wonderful? I’ll make you a salad and a bottle. It will be a perfect meal for a growing boy like you! Then we’ll see how cute my newest ribbons are. Demiurge mentioned you prefer crimson and I have plenty of things made!” Albedo calls me while Mare cowers by the door. I know their positions only by their feet.

“Um. M-Maybe he wanted to... sleep in? Should we... S-Should we let him sleep with his m-mom?” Mare is a godsend. If I ever see Buku again I’ll hug her.

I can see Albedo’s feet pause and turn towards the door. She starts yelling, and I can just imagine the erratic hand movements she must be doing. “He wants the sheep? WHY? Aren’t we better than some sheep?! Lord Ainz is avoiding me, and now Lord Ulbert is too! What does that sheep have that I don’t?! What do all these HUMANS have that I don’t?!” She sounds on the verge of tears.

_ Ahhh... dangit. It’s not about what you don’t have... unfortunately it’s about what you DO have. It’s not your fault Tabula put his special brand of nutcase into you. _

Albedo starts to pace. “Both our Lords must have a reason, there must be something lacking in me... I... I know what I’ll do! I’ll watch how his mother interacts with him, and then I can copy that! Lord Ulbert, won’t that make you so happy, you’ll spend the day with both of us!” Her face pops underneath the bed and jumpscares me. Her smile is too wide again, but up close I can see the strain in her eyes. The expression no longer resembles insanity, it looks more like... desperation.

_ Noooo don’t make me feel bad for the crazy lady. Brain, I’m begging you. Trust me on this one. Tabs emptied out every single one of her marbles himself, this won’t end well. _

As usual, my heart decides “Fuck you I do what I want” and pity wells within me. I crawl out from under the bed and her face lights up. She picks me up happily and takes me back to the fortress, Mare trailing behind. The big doors open with a huge creak.

Farmer looks up in surprise. “Hum? Whatcha need, girly? More advice on ‘im? I can always help ya if ya need it.”

“Ah, yes, I do have a question. Would you mind if I take his mother with us as well? Lord Ulbert seems a bit... anxious this morning.” Albedo motions to Surrogate Mom.

“Yea, sure, go ahead! Bylla hasn’t seen much o’ this place, it’d be good to let her explore an’ all.” Farmer walks up to Albedo and scratches under my chin. It feels amaaaazing, he always knows where to scratch. “Watch out for ‘im, when he’s away from his momma he gets inta all sorts of trouble! Learned that lesson the hard way. First day of his life an’ he was fightin’ monsters! Bylla keeps him close, though. She’s a good momma.”

“Y-Yeah!” Mare pipes up. I glance over and find him petting Surrogate Mom lovingly. “I like Bylla, s-she’s really nice! Unlike Aura’s pets... they don’t like me v-very much...”

Farmer moves from me to Mare, patting his head. “Yep, you pegged her right, kiddo. Bylla’s a little sweetheart.”

Albedo freezes. “She... is? Tell me, in your opinion, does that make her a good mother?”

“O’ course! Makes her a great momma!” Farmer emphatically gestures with his hands. “Bylla’d be a momma to the whole world if she could, she’s like that. Loves everybody like family. She even makes me go to bed when I stay up late, such a cutie.”

“Oh I see! Yes, thank you, you have been very helpful.” Albedo sounds distracted. “Hmm... ‘be a momma to the whole world’ you say...”

_ Is she really going to copy Surrogate Mom? This will be interesting at the very least. Who knows, maybe she’ll go the full nine yards and start bleating when it’s time for bed! _

Ah, I’m a jerk but I can’t help but snort at the mental image. It seems to snap Albedo out of her trance. “Right. Again, thank you for your help. I will be taking Bylla and Lord Ulbert for the day.”

\----------

Albedo takes us to her room and it’s a lot more cluttered than I expected. Different bolts of fabrics are hung on the wall like decorations, and the shelves are filled with stuffed toys of various animals. There are books strewn around on the floor about different hobbies like knitting and cooking, as well as children’s picture books in a neater stack by the massive wardrobe. The lights in the room are dimmed low enough these things are genuine hazards to everyone’s health. 

She also has the biggest bed I’ve ever seen. That’s where Surrogate Mom and I are cuddling while Albedo desperately looks through the mess to find something for us to play with. The bed is the only clean place in the whole room. When we’d entered, Surrogate Mom daintily hopped over things until she got to the bed. My entrance was a little more clumsy. I’ve mostly got this body figured out but every once in a while when I need to make precise movements, my body just... doesn’t. It’s annoying, but there’s nothing I can really do about it.

“AH HA! I knew I’d put them somewhere. Alright, Lord Ulbert, guess what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna learn about shapes!” Albedo comes back to the bed with a toddler toy in hand. It’s one of those made out of a block of wood, where you put smaller blocks in the right hole, except the smaller blocks are missing. Instead she has lids with handles in the spaces, creating a little cubby hole.

Albedo lifts a lid and puts a slice of carrot in the circular hole. She then puts the lid back down. “Okay, Lord Ulbert, can you find the circle? It has a treat in it! Just look for the ciiiiircle.”

_ Are you joking? You better be joking. _

I nudge the correct handle, giving her the stink eye. I know my freaking shapes.

“That’s right!” She lifts the lid and I munch on the carrot slice. “That’s a circle! Now we’re gonna try a squaaaaaare...”

\----------

I gotta give her credit, if I were an animal, this might have actually helped me to associate words with meanings. However I am not. I am a very smart human/demon person in a sheep body. Which means I got free treats for an hour and a half. I was soooo full by the end, it was almost painful. I think Albedo wasn’t expecting me to breeze through it all so I ate her entire stock of treats for the day. After the first few tries she hid the toy behind her back to put the treats in, then presented it to me. I can only assume that was to make sure I wasn’t cheating. Fat chance.

The only set I couldn’t do was the color set. I was color blind before I switched bodies so there was no way I’d get those right. She’s pretty smart though, eventually she realized I couldn’t see certain colors and stopped putting treats in those. She looked a little worried about it but the expression quickly cleared when we moved onto numbers.

At one point Surrogate Mom tried the game too but she doesn’t like carrots as much as I do so she gave up. If it was sugar cubes though, nothing would stop her from tipping the whole thing over and eating them all. Which is a solution in itself, to be fair.

Anyways. Albedo is beaming by this point and is alternating between floofing my fur and cuddling me and Surrogate Mom. We’re all in a fluff pile with pillows all around us. I’m in the middle being held like a baby, and Surrogate Mom is sneakily eating the corner of a pillowcase.

I’ve decided to throw common sense and caution to the wind, and like Albedo. Tabula didn’t do half bad with her. She can be a little... weird... but in the end I think she just likes kids, and wants kids of her own. With Momonga. And ONLY Momonga.

Ok, maybe she’s a lot weird. But she’s not a bad person.

And true to her word, she seems to be taking notes of what Surrogate Mom does, especially when she interacts with me. Albedo has become less “manic” and more “excited”. She seems to have decided happy kids in the tomb equals kids with Momonga in the future, and she is making plans for the twins to have a day of fun. Which would be all sorts of adorable and I’m totally for it.

For now though, it’s nap time.

\----------

When Albedo returns us, I see Farmer carrying hay bales into the fortress. I wiggle out of her arms and start pulling one by the rope to help. It’s suddenly lifted out of my teeth and I look up to see Albedo shouldering the weight.

“Where were you putting these?” Albedo’s smile has improved a lot, it looks much more natural.

Farmer holds open the big doors for us. “Oh, jus’ anywhere. Usually right by the entrance is good enough ta work. My room’s upstairs so bottom floor is the flock’s. Yer looking happier, had a nice time?”

“Yes, very nice!” Albedo places the hay down. “Lord Ulbert and Lady Bylla are perfect company. If you don’t mind, I have to get back to the work I put off, though. Have a wonderful night, Arthur.”

Farmer stares a bit, jaw slack, before he snaps out of it and waves goodbye. Albedo heads toward the staircase. “Well, kiddo, ya sure got ev’rybody round here wrapped round yer hoof! Knew she’d like Bylla though, ya got yer lovey nature from her.”

I’m confused by his statement until I realize something.

_ She just called Surrogate Mom “Lady Bylla”! _


	10. Chapter 10 - I am a kid at heart? (MATURE)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had several ideas for this chapter and might include the ideas behind them later on, but I wrote four separate ways this could have gone down and just picked the best one xD I am very indecisive. As always, any spelling/grammar errors please lemme know!
> 
> Awww he's saying NOPE! https://rb.gy/l6xs5w

\----------

Chapter 10: I am a kid at heart? (MATURE)

\----------

With every single guardian busy except one, Farmer gets told by a very apologetic Aura that it falls to Shalltear to babysit me for the day. I can’t get what Momonga said out of my head. Out of all the Guardians, I’ve seen Shalltear the least. At least I pass Demiurge in the hallway sometimes. Shalltear has to guard the first, second, and third floors, which doesn’t leave her much time to do anything else. I’d assume that’s where I’ll be going.

After my time with Albedo I feel like I’m ready for whatever crazy comes at me. Pero wouldn’t want me to neglect his kid, and I’m not ready to avoid someone I live with for the rest of forever. All I need to do is find something to do that stays PG-rated... Surely there’s something Shalltear likes to do that isn’t related to sex!

A vampire bride is the one that comes to pick me up. I’m munching on a carrot, and I drag it behind me to the door so I don’t have to stop eating to listen in on their conversation.

She doesn’t seem to like Farmer much from the beginning, scrunching her nose as though he stinks. Well, actually, he sleeps beside the flock so he probably does. Surely it’s not that bad though? I mean I must smell way worse. I should get Momonga to give me another bath. 

_ Oooh, with that lavender stuff from the girls’ side! Hell yeah! _

“I am coming at the behest of Lady Shalltear, human. She has the divine privilege of guarding Lord Ulbert today. Give me what he requires, and do it quickly. I do not want to come back here before I must return him. His... mother will not be joining him.” Bitchy Bride may be dressed in rags but she acts like she’s royalty. Like she’s spoilt rotten, someone that has never heard “no” before, especially from someone who she deems inferior. I instantly want to kick her.

Farmer’s bushy eyebrow twitches and he adjusts the straw hat he’s wearing. “Yep, got his kit ready. Although, fair warnin’ to ya, Shepard don’t take kindly to people bein’ rude. Tends to run off an’ make trouble for ‘em. Or heatbutt ‘em.”

“Hisss name isss LORD ULBERT to you, human!” Bitchy Bride looks vehement, fangs out. Her hair fans out behind her. “You will treat our Sssupreme Beingsss with the ressspect he--!”

The carrot falls from my mouth, the thud of it hitting the floor is her death knell.

_ RESPECT THIS HEADBUTT. _

\----------

After she apologizes for losing her temper, Bitchy Bride juggles me and the kit Farmer put together to get down the steps. There’s just something about having to be carried to another point in the same building that makes me feel like I’m going to preschool. Maybe Momonga finds them all doting on him appealing but I just want to walk on my own two feet. Four feet. Whatever.

The Bitchy Bride has a weird look on her face as she’s carrying me. It’s like a smile but too much effort is put into it, and I’m reminded immediately of pre-Mom Albedo. I hope it’s because she has fangs and not because Peroronchino coded anything into her. I don’t think he touched the brides? Well, other than the whole “serve Shalltear” thing. Then again, I didn’t pay much attention to any other NPC but my own. Something I am quickly beginning to hate myself for.

Ok, maybe I’m a little more anxious about this meeting than the one with Albedo. Albedo never wanted me in... that way. She only has a flame for Momonga. However much of a raging inferno that “flame” is. It doesn’t bother me because it’s not aimed at me. 

Shalltear, on the other hand, has who knows what fetishes shoved into her. Pero was a close friend of mine but there were definitely things we did not talk about. What he was into in bed was one of many. We avoided that subject like the plague, mostly for my sanity’s sake. I have some suspicions on his... kinks, though. He had some complicated feelings regarding the subject, mostly because Buku would get roles in the more moderate H-games he wanted. He was 100% NOT into that. Meaning he started buying the ones that were more “dicey” in his own words, the ones his sister wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole. The kind that could ruin a reputation. The kind I’m praying didn’t have beastiality in them right about now.

I firmly believe that his preferences were normal at first, and changed due to the horrible stuff he had to get to avoid hearing his sister’s voice. While I pitied the lengths he had to go to for some private time back then, I never wanted to scar myself by finding out the whole deal. I knew Shalltear was a release for him. The NPC function was a way to write a lady that held all his weird kinks he knew wasn’t accepted in society. She was made from the depths of his depravity, his all-time lows. 

And I will be stuck in a room with her for six hours, probably alone. Her vampire brides are far too weak to save me and there are no other Guardians around but Aura, and even she is heading out for something. Would her brides make it better or worse though, even if they could get in? I look up at Bitchy’s face again and decide it would probably be worse. It’s not a comforting thought.

When we make it to Shalltear’s floor, Bitchy takes a very convoluted path to her room. The feeling of being kidnapped is intensifying. I can’t remember what way we came from, and if I take the wrong path running away, I’ll probably die to a trap.

Shalltear’s room is hidden behind a crouching gargoyle in the middle of the third floor, and when Bitchy opens the door all I see is red and black. It’s intimidating, red velvet walls, black marble floor, red silk drapes with tiny black bats on them... Ok maybe the last one is a little less intimidating. I am in a sitting room, there’s two doors leading elsewhere but one seems to be a closet door. 

Shalltear is sipping tea when we enter, and looks up with a deviously delighted expression. “Oh! Lord Ulbert is already here, arinsu! Were there any troubles?”

“No, Lady Shalltear.” Bitchy seems to sweat a little at the question. “Everything went perfectly.”

“Very well, you may depart. I want my first time with Lord Ulbert to be a... private affair~” I wince as Shalltear moans the last part.

_ Don’t panic, just remember the plan! There’s gotta be something she likes besides... that. _

Bitchy sets me down and all but runs out of the room. I’m so jealous right now, I wanna run too. But no! Pero was one of my best friends, I must find common ground with his kid! Shalltear kneels before me, a rather strange smile on her face. It doesn’t match the too-wide smile of Bitchy and Albedo but for some reason it still gives me chills.

“My Lord, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to serve you like this, arinsu!” Shalltear’s hands gently caress my furry chin. “No matter the form, to please a Supreme Being...! Ahn~”

_ Well, despite the moaning that’s not too bad of an introduction. Hey, maybe it won’t be so bad. What was I worried about again? _

She lowers her face to mine and my eyes widen. “But I’m getting a little ahead of myself aren’t I?” I get a whiff of her perfume as she carries me to what seems to be her bedroom door. She opens it and--OH MY GOD.

Whips.

Knives.

Straps.

Chains.

Poles.

Fucking STAKES.

_ Oh fuck I take it all back, this will be a nightmare! _

“Pick a toy, Lord Ulbert! I’ll play anything you want, any desire you have is my command!”

_ DOES THAT INCLUDE LEAVING?! _

She sets me down with a little pat to get me moving. I can’t help but stare up at her, frozen to the spot. The smells in this room are making me light-headed. The floor is leather and squishes under my hooves. Shalltear kneels before me again, this time much closer to the ground and starts to whisper. “Unless you want to try without toys our first time, Lord Ulbert? I can assure you I’m pure as the color of your wool, arinsu. Well, with men anyway~”

NOPE. I turn on my hoof and start inspecting the room to buy time. She giggles behind me and I pretend not to notice as she watches me intently. Staggering, I make it to a box full of... ball gags and other bdsm paraphernalia. What did I expect, really?

“Oh, you enjoy muffled screams of pleasure?” And suddenly she’s behind me. I jump about a foot in the air. “Well, pain too~ I look forward to it, arinsu!” 

She picks up the ball gag and I make a split second decision. I have a plan.

I yank the strap out of her hand with my teeth and stare her down, daring her to try to take it again. “Aaaahn~! So domineering, Lord Ulbert! Very well... I will be waiting for you on the bed, arinsu~”

_ Gotta get to work fast before she figures out what’s going on! _

I quickly grab something that can wrap around some wooden standing equipment she has--oh lord it’s a strap-on, don’t think about it--and start making the “net”. Knots are the biggest pain, I just decide to have the ends laying between the hooks on the weird thing I attached it to and hope they hold. 

I have to be quick, I grab a few more and string them together so it really looks like what I’m picturing. Now to make a second one! Faster, faster!

Once that’s done, I grab a ball gag and rip the ends off with my teeth. I put it in the center of the room, a little ways from the other contraptions I made.

_ This looks so dumb but it’s all I have to work with... _

By this point Shalltear is very confused. She’s just sort of looking at me running around with the most perplexed frown. I think she’s trying to find a way to add this into a sex scene but there’s no way I’m letting her get that far. 

I tug on the hem of her dress and she follows me to the center of the room. I position her on the opposite end of the ball, across from me. Then I reveal my super excellent plan.

Ball gag soccer!

I use my nose to push the ball around her and into the strap-on cage thing. It bounces unevenly on the leather floor, and requires a surprising amount of skill to control.

Shalltear picks it up rather quickly once I get the ball into her “goal” a few times. The laughter that comes from the realization is loud and bright.

“Ok, arinsu! If this is what you wish to play, I will do my best Lord Ulbert!”

She seems to think she needs to keep her hand on the ball like I keep my nose on it. The resulting run looks like a weird yoga pose, with her bent in half and trying not to fall over while she pushes it along. The dress and heels make the spectacle even better. 

Eventually she kicks off the heels in her determination to win. Shalltear gets a huge grin on her face when she finally gets the ball into my goal. “I did it! Lord Ulbert, I did it!”

I can’t help but jump around in happiness as she resets the ball. We eventually move onto other things, childishly enjoying each other’s company. A game of tag ends the day, I win of course.

And when I leave for the night, I note the vampire bride does not question why Shalltear is still clothed or why there are suction cup dildos on the ceiling.


End file.
